37 weeks!!

Today i hit the 37 week mark which is a huge accomplishment for me as my last pregnancy only got to number 35! However as i say that im sitting here, tired after spending the last 2days with a grinding period type pain in my back and lower tummy. Ive been getting some wicked tummy 'tightenings' and my vagina feels...well...strange! Yesterday arvo things died down a little bit and it was enough for hubby and I to have some fun getting messy with a belly casting kit. That was the plan however i got agitated with him, he got grumpy with doing it, we made a HUGE mess everywhere and ended up in an arguement :/
Not the fun time we had planned. However we got over it all pretty fast and are both pretty stoked with the result and would definatley recommend everyone giving it a go!!

I showered, went to bed and expected to wake up midnight-ish with really strong contractions and everything to be in full swing. It didnt...feeling a tad discouraged as i slept in till 8.30am and although that lovley grinding period type pain is there aswell as the regular tightenings etc i was expecting more!

I must say though that im clearly reminded this time that the way things are progressing now are almost exactly the same as my first labor with my son. I spent 2 nights in a row unable to sleep due to period type pain, mostly in my back and lower tummy, on the second day i was at the hospital for assesment for induction (i was 12days "overdue"), and i walked in with just these pains and hello i was 6cms dialated. None of these regular increasing in length and pain contractions people talk about! It wasnt untill they "accidentally" broke my waters that i started getting anything like a contraction and even then there was not like a break between them at all, they just rolled into one.

So what am i thinking now...In the back of my mind i am positive and trying to just go with the flow, things will happen in their own time, at their own pace and this little baby will come when he or she is ready.............
However i will admit, i am beginning to feel slightly discouraged with everything. This is almost what happened with my second labor which ended in a ceserean. Im a little worried that my cervix wont be doing anything, ill be hospitilized for failure to progress, my waters will break naturally and ill be given the option of cser or waiting another day. I want to ring my midwife and have a bit of a chat about things but then i kind of feel like a dick cuse probly nothing is happening and ill keep going like this for weeks!

Who knows. If only it were an exact science...but then i guess it wouldnt be the miracle it truly is :)

Feeling numb?! 35 weeks

Week 35

WOW, time is flying!! How did i get from peeing on that stick 31weeks ago and now here counting down days untill my EDD! Ive got the carseat, the moses basket, tiny socks and suits and nappies, wipes, creams, washes, blankets, maternity bras. And now we're on the home stretch.

Up untill a few days ago i was still feeling good body wise. But this pregnancy has now hit me. Ogre-ish swollen feet, ankles and lower legs, sore lower back and neck and everywhere else. Braxton hicks, very uncomfortable! And yesterday, May 29th i has a lovley 'show' of some mucus plug. All encouraging signs and all good signs that my body is starting to get ready to do this all naturally. Exactly what we want, exactly where we want to be...

So let me ask you this.....Why do i feel soo numb?!

My mind is numb, my brain wont work. Im starting to shut down. My poor husband cops my attitudes or lack there of one. I smile, i talk to people and im very good at pretending everything is great and how excited i am etc. But behind the scenes, im not ok. I dont feel like it is my depression creeping up on me..im not exactly sure what though.

Im scared! Im absolutley and truly, honestly petrified. Of what, not becoming a mummy again, not of something going wrong but im scared of my body being cut open and my baby being ripped out of me. Im scared of even the thought of another ceserean. The thought of it literally paralyses me.

Dont get me wrong, I BELIEVE I CAN BIRTH NATURALLY. I truly do but i feel like a criminal. I feel like i am almost running from the law. I feel supported by only a few people and i feel soo judged by everyone else. Like i am tempting fate. I know the facts, i know the statistics. I know what can go wrong and what happens then. Im happy and at peace with my choices, my decisions as i know that i have the best possible midwifery care and i have informed myself and decided to do what i believe is the best thing for myself and my baby. But what if thats not enough, its beginning not to be. I am critisised and ridiculed constantly, even by people that are close to me. I have tried soo hard to stay strong and positive but this fear people are instilling in me, even though i know the truth is getting to be too much. Its like when your at school and people tell you your ugly, just to be mean. You know your not a beauty queen but you believe your pretty...when people are teasing you and calling you ugly etc every day they soon wear you down. Its the same with me.

So where do i go from here...I honestly dont know!
A few nights ago i wrote out, decorated and stuck positive birthing quotes all around my house. They're nice to read and to look at but so far not helping. Ive ordered a book on empowering women etc etc, have yet to start reading that but will do within the next few days. I feel almost like im floating through life. And then theres the added pressure of being "due" in a few weeks and having to hurry up and get this attitude thing sorted before everything kicks off. ARGH!!! Why did this have to happen now! Please positive mojo, come back to me! If ive ever needed you before, its now.

...

Now am i getting just a tad millitant towards all the shit OB's ive dealt with in my time or do you think im completly justified to feel like this, this time around?!

Im now 32 weeks...

 Hello week 32, or 8th month of pregnancy.

I havent written anything for a while. Life has been hard the last month or so and ive literally been hiding in my home in bed. I cant put my finger on one peticular thing that has got me feeling this way, life has just hit some sort of wall....or hole as i told my husband. A black hole. I feel like im uin a black hole. At the bottom and struggling to find my way out. So i can kinda pin point where it started. Let me see......

4weeks and 4days ago my sisters pregnancy was induced. She slowly went into labor, this was on the tuesday at midday. I organised things at my end, got the kiddies ready, packed my car and drove the near 7hour trip to see her and add some support. I arrived at the hospital Wednesday the 4th april at about 7pm, 1 and a half days after she was induced. My sister sounded in full labor and certainly had the pain that comes along with it to but she was still smiling and glad to see me. Just a note that this is her second baby, her first gorgeous girl passed away near to 5years previous. Her waters had just broken and she was found to be around 3-4cms dialated. So my plan was to say hello and then leave, just letting her know i was there if she needed anything etc. She asked if i wanted to stay for the birth. I felt overwhelmed but was sooo happy as i had really really wanted to be there. Within an hour or so contractions had picked up, baby had a nice strong heartbeat, mumma in alot of pain, we all made our way to a delivery room where my sister had a shower and got as comfy as she could. By now she was exhausted and i think a little gutted that after so long she was still only 3cms dialted. At this point her midwife arrived...

In New Zealand our main care provider is a midwife unless there is a medical reason for an obstetrician, even then we still go under midwife care. So although my sister delivered her baby in a hospital, she was looked after by her midwife.

Her midwife decided to get her on the bed, checked her and she was found to be 4cms. At this point my poor sister was exhausted, emotionally and physically, as any woman in labor this long would be. She decided on an epidural thinking that there would be a long night of laboring ahead of us. Within about 45mins or so everything changed, my sisters contractions were even harder and faster and she had started making different noises then before. Her midwife decided to check her again as she assumed sis was starting to involunterily push. Yip she was right, 9cms and starting to feel that urge to push. We were all amazed and soo happy for her!! Not long now. We all got into "baby apperance" mood. Now i have never physically been at a birth before. Ive watched countless videos online and read countless books and stories about it all but nothing could have prepared me for auctually seeing a real birth.

My sister did amazing, the way she worked with her body, the way she pushed when she needed to. She was in the zone absolutley and completley. Within 15minutes her babys head and body emerged and she was holding her beautiful baby girl. There were a few hectic moments with a cord and some bleeding but all was handled and everything went smoothly. I am soo proud of my sister and cannot express the way i feel getting to see her baby girl brought into this world. Naturally and with no pain relief. Sis, thank you from the bottom of my heart for inviting me to be with you and your partner on this journey. I have never before seen anything so spectacular and so miraculous!!

So i have a little niece now and i cant stop buying and making her presents of all sorts! I feel such a connection with her that i realise i never had or have with my own children. I was never present at my childrens births. Sure they came from my womb, my body but i never saw them born, never got to touch them, never heard their cries, never even got to say hello to them. They never smelt me, never got to feel my touch or hear my heart beating or hear my voice. And when these moments finally happened with my first born i was soo drugged out i cant remember any of it for near 6weeks. With my second although i held her within an hour of birth, it was for 30seconds before they rushed her off and for the next near 36hours i auctually couldnt touch her because of all the tubes and needles and nurses hovering over me. Even as i write this it hurts soo much. Im in tears. With my niece i saw and touched her within minutes of being born. I had never untill that moment seen a newborn baby. And it cuts me to the core.

So now im 7hours away from my home, away from my husband. Ive just watched this amazingly miraculous event yet i feel empty. Im hurting and i have noone i can talk to or share this with. I then spend a futher 5days away helping my sister learn to breastfeed (although shes super woman and didnt need much help!), and getting to bond and know my niece. I also spent this time going out, visiting friends i hadnt seen in so long. Having support from siblings, my mum and of course she babysat for me so i got to go out and be by myself and i got to feel some of the freedom i would have as a normal 22year old without children or a husband. Dont get me wrong i love my husband and adore our children. But its hard. Life can be hard.

Leaving on the tuesday i am torn. I want my home and my husband but im crying as i drive. Infact as my children sleep in the backseat i find myself having to pull over and just bawl. For what i dont exactly know. I just cry and cry. I get home and hubby surprises me by having taken the day off work so hes there when we arrive. I smile when i see him and we hug but the next few days are soo hard. He keeps asking me whats wrong, keeps asking if im ok. Then things blow up, im not myself, im acting distant and things are strained. I dont know why, i cant pin point things. Im just not happy. I then come down with a cold which after 3 or 4 days escalates into full blown influenza. Im in bed for 2weeks, just start to feel better then i get a toothache. Thinking its just my wisdom tooth i head to the dentist, get it checked and get put on antibiotics, codiene and panadol for the pain and a suspected abcess under my wisdom tooth. By that afternoon my pain is soo bad, hubbys getting worried and i cant handle it. We get an appointment at my GP and he gives me pethidine for the pain. A drug i swore i would NEVER take again after it stopped my sons heartbeat whilst i was in labor with him which caused my first ceserean! I was in pain and was desperate! I had the pethidine and boy did that hurt but within 15mins my pain had gone and i was near asleep on the chairs in the waiting room. We head home and within an hour the pains back and im in agony. I sat in bed watching movies to try and keep my mind off it but by 9.30pm im in tears, near fainting and hubby decides i need help. He takes me to the emergency department at the hospital and within the next 4hours im given 2 dental blocks, both fail miserably and then a great big shot of morphiene at 2am. So the morphiene did not much, only made me sleepy and by this point i was physically exhausted! We head home and i spend the next 5days in agony, taking numerous antibiotics and pain reliefs, seeing numerous dentists and freaking out about what all of this was doiing to my unborn baby. I finally had my wisdom tooth removed which has since cesed all pain. Thank God! Im not even daring to start on that though as i am truly and 100% traumatised. (The dental blocks and local anethestics didnt work and i felt all pain from the tooth being pulled, yip i screamed the place down).

 The bruise on my leg 7days after i was administered the morphiene. OUCH!!


So now i find myself at 32weeks and 3days pregnant. Im questioning my reasons for homebirth, im doubting myself and my body. I am finding it hard to be ME! What do i do and where do i go from now?! I dont feel depressed i just feel a bit lost and overwhelmed. Its now now ages till my babys due, just 8ish weeks. Maybe only 3 if it happens like last time. I have been so healthy and enjoyed this pregnancy soo much but these last 3-4weeks have almost gutted me. Before then i was aoo super healthy and felt as though i could run a marathon. i could walk and excercise for hours and i would feel amazing! I had no aches, no pains and my mental and emotional wellbeing was at the top of its game. Now i feel like this...CRAP!! In every way possible. I now cannot walk, i waddle. I have constant back pressure and pain, im not sleeping. Im worried all the time and im questioning my decisions and desires. Im just lost...HELP!!

O-O-O-ORGASMIC BIRTH YOU SAY....

WOW! So thats some headline! Orgasmic birth. Im sure we've all heard about those freaky woman who experiance orgasms during labor and birth. They make noises similar or the same during a contraction as they would during a love making session with their other half. We all think of them as freaks and wonder does this stuff auctually happen?! What do i think about this? Well it could take me a while, even a few days to finish this post as i want to get my research and the way i write it all correct. But, here i go.

If someone had told me 5years ago when i was pregnant with my 1st that achieving an orgasm during labor was quite likely and did happen, i wouldve said they were crazy. After all, id only just discovered the world of the big 'O' myself. Hey, i was only 18! Now all this time, babies and research later i can tell you that this time around i truly believe that it can happen and i cannot wait! So here goes...

Basic female anatomy suggests that we are born with a vagina for the sole purpose of concieving and giving birth. That being said there are 2 things within that purpose. The whole concieving part is something within itself and im sure for alot of us it goes wwwaaayyy beyond the making a baby part. We touch ourselves to feel good. We allow our husbands and partners to touch us to make us both feel good and this leads us to feeling that closeness that no other feels with us. For me, and this is getting personal, when my husband and i kiss and begin to get intimate, just like with any other womans body, we get excited, our body begins to relax and starts to open to allow our male partner to enter. So pretty plain and simple, this is the same concept as an orgasmic birth. Given the privacy and assurance you need during labor, kissing and having your husband touch you and even sex during labor can be such a GREAT thing as 1. it relaxes you and makes you feel good and 2. it helps to open your body ready to bring your baby into the world.
So thats what i think, heres some facts!

 "There are benefits to the mother beyond helping them rid themselves of shame, fear and guilt. An orgasm is 22 times more powerful than a tranquilizer and during sexual arousal a woman's vagina can widen as much as two inches. When women find their power during the birth experience and learn to ride the contractions, it can be an incredible, even healing experience."  Laura Shanley, author of the book Unassisted childbirth.

Note to self: read this book!!

The 'normal' way that women around the world give birth - laying prone in a room full of strangers - is not the natural way. It might even be the cause of some birth problems. Shanley cites a study that showed that when a stranger enters a room where a pregnant monkey is housed, :both the heart rate and the blood pressure of her fetus goes down. Of course, in the delivery room a drop in the heart rate of the baby often triggers a Cesarean section."
Shanley says that stress and 'fight or flight' reactions cause huge changes in a woman's body. "There's a reason that animals seek seclusion in birth. Everyone understands that being in a brightly lit room with a group of people watching you wouldn't make a comfortable environment for someone going to the bathroom or having sex. But for an equally intimate, personal activity like birth, people don't make the connection. Woman don't need to choose between drugs, epidurals, and Cesarean sections on one hand and fear of a natural but painful childbirth on the other. There really is a third way and it's more natural."

So what this is all leading me to tell you and to think is that i need to give birth in an environment i feel safest in. For me, that is my home. If i feel safe in my environment i then obviously need to surround myself with only the people i feel safest with. For me this is my husband and my children. Here i do need to say however that my husband has expressed that he's not completley feeling ok with the idea of an unassisted birth so to comprimise, because i want him to feel safe so he can help me feel safe, we do have a midwife who i see regulary. Shes great although we have also discussed the possibility of calling her "too late" and not calling untill our babys in my arms. We shall see.
Sooo, im feeling safe at home, i have the people i most love surrounding me and giving me strength, ive learnt to trust my body and to believe in what i can do. Honestly, im excited! What are your thoughts??

Orgasmic birth...bring it on!!

The NZ papers headline today

This morning i was awoken by a text from my husband. He'd got to work and read the headline of the NZ sunday paper, the herald.... Mother grieves lost baby.

Heres the article link: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/health/news/article.cfm?c_id=204&objectid=10794474

So let me just point out, im also 22, i also have had 2 previous csers. Now im freaking!! Well not freaking but im left wondering what went wrong here. In my head i have everything planned out, what happens when i go into labor, how i will manage certain situations etc etc. But im left thinking that at the end of the day you can sometimes never plan things they just happen. I can do all the research and have all the support i need but at the end of the day my uterus may just rupture. I guess im saying i could plan the party food, decorate the area and have the lawns and gardens looking immaculate but at the end of the day it still may rain.

Im reading and re-reading through this article. So she presented via ambulance at 1am a few days shy of her due date, booked in for a cser a few days later. She had severe pain and was told she could have pulled a muscle. I had my 2nd baby at the same hospital, middle more and im guessing she was placed in a room on ctg monitors and having no midwife was probably not checked properly. Im also guessing they had done no ultrasound and there was no follow up on her medical history notes. Personally i know that rupture can just happen but surely a woman who has had 2 previous csers and presents in ED with pain locating from that area would be placed on high alert and the doctors and nurses following this case would have been extra careful with monitoring her.

In my case, i have sooo many doctors and OB's constantly on my back, ringing me for extra specialist appointments etc that i cant imagne a woman would be left like this. If she was freaking out about her cser being booked so close to her due date and freaked out about the pain then why would she not have insisted on an ultrasound or something?!

What are your thoughts? Id love to hear. I guess its a bit of a blow and makes it hard to tell and explain to people how safe my plans are but yes at the end of the day, it can just happen. Things do go wrong and although the ceserean rate in NZ is above 30% and most arent necessery, there is that small percent that definatley is.

My heart goes out to the familt mentioned in the article xx

Putting all my trust in my body, where im at

So the last few weeks have been crazy! Lots going on. My husband and I celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary on Febuary 26. We went to New Plymouth, where we got married and spent a few days there whilst my mumma looked after the kids. They loved it! Im amazed there wasnt any tears or asking for me as it was their first time ever away from me. Thats about all thats worth reporting...
A little thing within the family has 'popped' up and is causing turmoil in my life. Im beginning to feel depressed. I feel miserable and cant stop crying. When i found out i was pregnant about 20weeks ago i decided that i was not going to put myself through what i went through last time, i was going to cut the people out of my life that dont make me feel good. To think positively, to trust my body and to not treat my being pregnant as an illness. Id like to think that thus far i have lived up to those things i told myself all that time ago. However, certain things truly get to me. What people say and do and the way they act towards me truly can hurt and does cut deeper in me then most other people. I get told not to listen or not to let it get to me...sometimes it just does. For the last year theres been a person in my life who has constantly been rude, nasty and just a classic bitch but because of who she is i havent said anything. Well a few days ago things came to a head............................
Now all i can do is cry. Everything is getting to me. Everything is making me feel bad. I cant smile. Im taking it out on my husband. Im feeling my depression take hold. Im truly trying soo hard to stay on top of it and to try and not let it bother me. Im closing my eyes and getting within my soul and chanting my positive chants into myself. Yet still i feel it taking ahold. Im scared. Ive done soo amazing these last 20 weeks to stay on top, to be positive and now because of this one thing im left feeling helpless. Like im drowning in a sea of bullshit.
So what to do from here, where to go.

First of all, tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning.
To remember that the way 1 person treats me does not dictate the way i should be treated and that the people that truly matter to me will fall asleep next to me, 2 of them in my arms, 1 in my belly and 1 with his arms around me and i will wake up to the beautiful sounds of my children deciding who can kiss me first. These 4 people are who matter to me most and they love me whole heartedly (even when my eldest tells me hes not my friend).
To remember that my sole purpose in life is to be the best possible wife and mother i can. And to make this journey to vaginal birth as safe and as natural as possible. To do this i MUST remember the following things.
To stay positive.
To keep allowing myself to learn about my body and to trust in its ability to carry and deliver my baby safetly into my arms.
To not allow outsiders to control the way i think and feel.
To nuture not only this beautiful baby growing inside me but to also treat my body like a temple.

So where im at...
Im feeling positive towards my natural birth and safetly having my child in my arms when the time is right. I need time to process what is happening with this person and i need to be given that time without being pressured to make it right. I need extra love and support and to be given a hug when im feeling down. I need to be treated with respect and given the consideration that should be given to a young women with 2 toddlers who is also 6months pregnant.

Im sure i could probably go on for hours and hours and blurt everything, all the hurt i am feeling out but i wont. Ill spare all of you that. Let me find a quote that i need to help me sleep....

You cannot always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside.
-Wayne Dyer