Introducing....

At 1.31am on the morning of July 9th i awoke to a huge contraction which proceded to more and more...Yip labor had started!

I took a bath, contractions still coming, 2mins apart lasting 2mins.

We rang our backup midwife and she came to check how i was doing.

She arrived at 3am and i was 3-4cms dialated with contractions getting stronger, longer and my beautiful children waking to share in the excitement.

By 6am we had arrived at Rotorua hospital and labor was in full swing....

Everything went perfectly, from my handling the ever growing contractions with a smile each time, the babys heartbeat was just PERFECT and the midwife i had looking after me was an absolute God send!

At 9.28am into absolute peacefullness and completley naturally into water i gave birth, against all odds, to a healthy and beautiful wee girl...

WELCOME TO THE WORLD

Indee Elizabeth McCarthy

We are both doing amazingly well and loving this precious time together. I will post lots of pics and my birth story soon xx

40weeks & 5days...come on littleone

Yep, now im 5 days overdue! Im ok though, feeling good.
Saw the backup midwife this morning after i called and requested a check up appointment.
She still refused to do anything but my blood pressure and a ctg reading...
However baby was jumping around nicely and heartbeat was fantastic! Very reassuring. My midwife is back on Monday at 9am...so 2 and a half days or thereabouts. Im booked in tomorrow at 3pm for accupuncture and a stretch and sweep by another backup midwife. And also booked in over at Rotorua on Tuesday 3.30pm for an ultrasound bio-physical. That will check the health and function of the placenta and cord etc!

So heres where im at....
Feeling much better about everything despite my midwife still being away. Feeling great about babys health and wellbeing. Still getting irregular contractions and lots of back pain...clearly not putting me in active labor but definatley doing good things!! Hubby checked my cervix last night and was like 'woah everythings soo different down there.' My more foward and closer to the entrance, much softer and surprise he couldnt find my cervix like hes been able to before. When he last checked at the beginning of the week he clearly found my cervix, could fit 2 fingers in and slightly seperate them...suggesting 2-2.5cm dialated. So im thinking either we're both crazy or my cervix is even more open then last time and as hes not trained he couldnt recognise the 2 sides of it??!!

Im feeling much better now we have a plan. I think i started feeling a tad freaked out and uneasy because i didnt know what was going on with my midwife and everything. Now i have a set plan i can follow untill this gorgeous baby decides to become earthside!

So, accupuncture and stretch and sweep tomorrow.
Midwife back monday.
Scan tuesday.
Meanwhile just going with the flow and feeling good.

NOW...Before i start getting lectures and shit for talking about "induction" and hurrying the process along etc. STOP!!! Especially all you girls out there that have never been pregnant and want to tell me that my baby will come when its ready.....or any of you that want to tell me, oh they'll 'LET' you get to at least 10days overdue before they make you book in a cser. HAVE YOU NOT BEEN READING OR TAKING IN ANY OF MY BLOG!! (Haha. Granted this is a rant, dont get offended, im 5days overdue and allowed a wee rant here and there, right!)

So, lets do a little bit of revising...
-NOONE can make you do anything, wether it be a cser or otherwise.
-Noone can make me book in a cser for being 'overdue', wether it be 5days overdue or 5weeks.
-Noone can make you start natural remedies or anything to help induce labor and speed things along.
-Noone can make you have an ultrasound at any point during a pregnancy, even if your overdue.
-Noone can make you sign anything in hospital, even if they tell you you have to.
-Noone has the right to tell you what you have to do or decide about ANYTHING.
-You have the right to leave the hospital at any point of any stage of labor.
-Noone can pressure or scare you into anything...this is where your researching and auctual knowledge about each thing comes into it!

Got all that?!

So, ive voiced that i am against induction of labor purely because your over it and for any reason other then you or your baby need it. Eg, pre-eclampsia etc.

Now your wondering because of my new plans......
I am not being induced. I have made the decision to do accupuncture and to have a stretch and sweep not because i am over being pregnant or im scared to go any later then i am. I am putting the health and wellbeing of myself and my baby 1st. I BELIEVE that the best thing for me, my body and my baby is to birth naturally and normally with a spontanious onset of labor. Now accupuncture will NOT induce labor unless my cervix, body and baby are ready to go. Accupuncture will NOT put anything foreign or artificial into my body or into my cervix, like for example piticon. Accupuncture will help to stimulate the oxytocin already in my body which may help release the extra oxytocin within my cervix already. Sex and sperm do the same things, just in a different way. I have chosen to allow a stretch and sweep. Again this will not induce me or start anything unless my cervix is found to be favourable and open and unless (again) my body is ready to go. A stretch and sweep does have the risk of rupturing my membranes of which i am fully aware. The plan if this happens is ctg monitoring at the maternity cinic every 12hours aswell as antibiotics if labor has not started within 12-24hours. This is a risk i am quite prepared to take as i believe within myself that labor is not far for me anyway. Plenty of women have a premmature rupture of their membranes and can be on antibiotics for 5+weeks with no harm done to baby or themselves. This pregnancy, unless anything was wrong i disagreed with the idea of anything more then a dating scan and a 19/20weeks scan. I do not believe in the effectiveness of a scan, again unless anything is wrong, outside of these times. I will be having a bio-physical profile scan between 41 and 42 weeks to confirm that my placenta and the baby are 100% healthy etc however i will not allow any measuring of the size of the baby as they are mostly wrong anyway. Plus i already know this baby will be a bonnie big chubby wee thing! Hehe.

Now i feel these slight interventions will be well worth it as they arent invasive, will confirm the health and wellbeing of myself and my body and will either not do anything or will help slightly speed thing along and give my body that extra boost of oxytocin which can only be a good thing. Satisfied?!

Im not here to justify any of my decisions to any of you however i want you to understand whats going on in my head and i also want to be able to look back on my choices and decisions.

Oh just one more thing...
"Why am i being pressured into a cser"..
One of the most common questions i am getting. Again read my blog if you wanna know everything, im not going into it all again and again.....But pretty much, doctors cant control what goes on in my belly. They want the baby out and feel safer with the baby out because then they can control whats going on. They start to freak out when they dont have control. This is why there is soo much controversy and lack of respect for VBAC and VBAMC. This is why the world wide cser rate is so disgustingly high and why women VBAC or not are told they HAVE TO have a cser after so many weeks and days or an induction. I was told today that a referral is sent in at 41weeks and 3days for women who are 'overdue'. My response...unless my babys health is compromised then there is no way in hell i will consent or allow a cser for being 'overdue'!! My first was 12days overdue...so what?! As long as my baby is healthy then there is no problem!

My ups & downs...40weeks + 4days

Well here i am...."overdue". This pic was taken at 40 weeks and 2 days. I didnt think id last that long but as i write im now 4days past my "EDD".

Im excited to meet this little bubby but OMG am i battling hard with my emotions regarding everything else surrounding life at the moment!

I dont even know where to start. My amazing independant midwife that i praise all the time has had to take personal leave, almost a week now so im wondering when she'll be back and also hopeing that everything is ok! Im now stuck with her backups...neither of which will come near me as they arent as experianced with VBAC's or women like me. And yesterday at my appointment the backup wasnt even there so i got the DHB nurse midwives, although nice enough they wont do more then check my blood pressure and do a ctg...a bit like the back ups.

Now im FREAKING OUT that im gunna get to 10days overdue and begin getting pressure from the OB's over at the hospital. My plan with my midwife was regular stretch and sweeps and cervical checks to ensure things were slowly happening and maybe shake things up a little bit. Hubby now has that job as i cant quite reach in there to where i need to be. Dont worry we know the risks and what could happen and we are completley feeling safe and at ease with doing this..(especially compared to the alternatives!)

Those 'tightenings' i was getting in one of my last posts had increased since Saturday (6 days ago) to contractions. They become strong, regular and stay, i get convinced something is happening so lie down to rest...wake up and they are back to little tightenings. However i now remember what real contractions feel like and can feel them coming etc. Some i can talk through and others where i completley have to stop everything and go within myself. So things are starting, progressing well and then stopping and then repeating...My cervix is sitting at about 2-3cms and very soft etc. So encouraging and letting me know things are definatley happening.

This labor is reminding me a tad of my first....up for 2 nights with mainly back pain and some tummy stuff going on then stopping during the day. At 12days 'overdue' being called in for assesment for induction...being only 18, having no support and being naieve i go and am found to be 6cms dialated.............................................The difference being my waters were broken, (without prior consent or knowledge) so that really super kicked things off. Now im facing this slow dialation process but as noone will give me a damned vaginal examination i dont really know where i stand or whats going on.

Trying to stay positive and stick to my guns but its hard. Days like today, no contact from backup midwife, baby moving but very quiet compared to usual and lots of these contractions....what do i do?! I just keep going like im going. Im starting to let fears come aboard with stories of full term and overdue stillborns and pressure to relent my plans and give up my plans to book a cser. Im getting to the point where its like all that ive worked for doesnt matter as now i have all these things creeping up against me. Its not fair and it fricken SUCKS!!

Im not in a hurry to get the baby out and thats why im like omg they arent doing anything...infact my midwife and i voiced concerns to each other that once i hit my "due date" i really am on the clock. People can be soo niaeve and unfair and put all of us in this one box of rules and regulations. The bloody truth is that sometimes, some of us just dont fit!! Thats not something ive come up with, its pure fact!!

Im left thinking, what can i do?! I believe that for the saftey of me and my baby i need to begin labor. I need to be 'allowed' to labor with the intention to birth my baby naturally. Now im faced with midwives and doctors that dont believe i can, dont believe in my body and truly believe surgery is a better option for me.....dont forget they dont know me, my history or anything apart from whats in those files.

Did i mention i now no longer can labor at home. As soon as anything happens my 'instructions' are to ring the backup midwive (who i get who knows), head to the Taupo maternity where they will asses me, if im over 3cms dialated i then "HAVE TO" get my husband to drive me the 45-60mins to the hospital where i will be admitted, told i have to be continuosly monitored and get an iv etc etc etc.

I am going to be fighting the 'system' the whole way. Its a fricken joke! Im glad i have my husband and he believes what i do but im scared they will get him cornered away from me, scare him and in turn scare me into things we dont want or nessecarily need.

This whole unassisted birth at home is becoming more and more attractive!!!

Hmm will keep you updated...sorry for the down post but like i said last time...my blog, my feelings, my online diary, ME!

A note from my husband

This morning i was reading new comments on my blog and found this one from none other then my husband. Thanks darling, you had me in tears with this one...

Hi everyone. Up until now I'm what you might call the silent partner in all this, although I seem to be more commonly known as 'hubby' in these posts, although I prefer "DH" (darling husband) as I was named in one of the first post lol. As you may have now guessed I am Larissa's husband. Like most of you I have been following my wife's blog and I think it is about time I chucked in my two cents worth. Firstly I would just like to confirm that yes I am a "pretty good cleaner-uppera" and I can hold my own with the Bree Van de Kamps of this world (yes I know, shameless desperate house wives reference lol). But in all seriousness I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone out there that has posted support and well wishes in response to this blog. This is such a big deal to my wife and I know how much it means to her to be getting support instead of the usual ignorant damnation of a vbac. One person out there even called Larissa inspirational and although Larissa played it down in a latter post I think that is exactly what she is! And I will tell you why. When we found out we were pregnant again Larissa raised the issue of a vba2c and homebirth with me and my immediate reaction was, "No way! How could we take such a risk when all the doctors say how dangerous it is?!" I like most people out there I took the word of a doctor as correct and verifiable. And for good reason might I add (or so I though). As an employee of one of our nations major emergency services any dealing I have had with the medical profession has always been one of life saving intervention in major trauma situation. So I was used to seeing them save lives that otherwise almost certainly would have been lost. Also my own experiences with broken limbs and my fathers heart attack had been positive ones with life/limb saving results. So like most people out there I was fairly indoctrinated with the idea that doctors know best and always acted in our best interests. When my wife challenged me with a different idea about doctors, specifically their role in unnecessary cesareans and the idea of a vba2c at home I challenged her to prove it and show me the alternative. Well show me she did!!! She spent hour upon hour researching the internet and getting a hold of every vbac book she could get her hands on. Now I would just like to point out that I am definitely at the stubborn end of male stubbornness, I also have all the usual god given traits that come with being a male such as ignorance, pigheadedness etc etc. So i don't change my mind let alone my whole perspective and outlook on something very easily. That being said I am (arguably my wife would say) no idiot. So when Larissa presented me with the overwhelming facts, statistics and information on vbac and unnecessary cesareans, as well as finding a credible midwife supportive of a vba2c homebirth, I was completely swayed and convinced by her argument. I now look at doctors and the way the hospital system treats birth in a completely new light. More importantly I support my wife in her goal for a natural vba2c birth 110% but best of all I am not just supporting her because she is my wife, but I am supporting her because I too believe what she is doing is in the best interests of her and our baby. My wife's effort to educate herself on this issue has really empowered her to challenge the status quo to blaze her own trail to her goal of a vba2c. And personally I can't wait to catch my own child as it is born into this world the way it can be when we all just take a step back and let mums do what mums have been doing for hundreds of years.

My fears, my worrys, my hopes...39weeks & 1day

39 weeks and 1 day today.
We're almost there tiny baby in my belly.
It cant be long now.

This whole pregnancy ive thought that your 'estimated due date' is a perfect sounding date...July 1st. Could you have other plans maybe? For the last hour ive been getting uncomfortable tightenings in my tummy with pains in my back. Hehe. Sounds promising although ive had this before...are you tricking me littleone?! Maybe ill clean and tidy the house a bit..however im sure daddy would do that as soon as he got home. Hes a pretty good cleaner-uppera!!
Today is the 25th, i was born on the 25th and so was Mr 4years. Maybe this littleone will be to!

So enough of my rambling.
I really wanted to share something with you all. A book that ive been reading latley.....

A modern woman's guide to a natural empowering birth by Katrina Zaslavsky.

This book is truly beautifully written and has some amazing and honestly empowering stories in it! I live in New Zealand...the author lives in Australia, i ordered and got mine within a week, pretty great service!! Im also friends with the author on Facebook (gotta love it!). I definatley recommend it to every pregnant woman!

Its about time we start sharing the amazingly boring and natural stories of childbirth and not keep spreading the fear we have for many years that has got the ceserean rate up to well over double what it should be.

A bit of an update now....At my last midwife appointment a few days ago baby was jumping and moving and grooving around superbly!! I was on the monitor for a good half an hour or so. My little toddlers did sooo good at occupying themselves plus it really helps having an amazing midwife like me!

OUCH....another uncomfortable tightening!!

She gave me an internal and found that although my cervix was thick and back it was soft so thats encouraging!! Up untill now ive forgotten that im not even at my EDD yet. People keep asking if ive had my baby yet, if im in labor yet. Well nope but ill let you know. Lol. I could still go another 2 or 3 weeks. My first was 12days over his EDD.

WOAH and another one!!! Hmmm....Maybe that bumpy car ride has dislodged something...?!?!

I wasnt going to add this but i think i might. At the start of this blog i promised full disclosure of my thoughts and my feelings in regards to this vbac journey. Id be lieing if i didnt share this with you all......Saturday arvo i lost it. I broke down and told, well yelled at my hubby to book in an elective cser. I spent the whole afternoon and night crying and crying and crying. I got scared. I had a pain on the left lower side of my scar. I began to tell myself that i had a dehiscence of my scar and i was going to start bleeding and need an emergency ceserean that night. I even packed my bags for the hospital and made hubby come home from work early.
I was scared and although i told hubby about the pain, i refused (in my head) to tell anyone else, eg my midwife, because of the thought of another cser.

Even talking about it now im crying. Im prepared to give birth to this baby but i am not prepared, emergency or not to have another cser. The thoughts of my past are too raw and real. The memories of being put under and having my body cut and torn and pulled and the feeling of hands inside me and not being able to breathe as the doctor put all his weight and effort into pushing my chest to get the baby out.

Yes, i have had 2 babies grow and live inside my body.
Yes, i have had 2 babies come from inside my body.
BUT...I have never seen my children less then a few hours old.
I have never been present at either of my childrens births.
I have never seen or smelt or held my newborn babies.
The chance to birth my own children was taken from me by disgusting medical PROFESSIONALS who did not give me a voice, who did not see me as a woman, who didnt see me as anything more then an incubator and another name on a list of things to do!

I AM MAD!
I AM ANGRY! I AM HURT AND SCARRED...Not only physically but emotionally aswell and although i will and have got through what happened to me, i will NEVER be over it!

I am trying soo hard, soo soo hard to put these fears aside but its hard. Its really hard.

So next, my hopes and wants......
I want whats rightly mine. To hold and touch my baby before anyone else. To touch my babys freshly born skin, blood, vernix, fluid and all! Let me see what my baby is before everyone else in the world knows. Dont take those precious first few moments away from me. Why is it i cannot remember my babies first few hours, days, weeks at all...All i know are photos and memories of pain and helplessness.

This time, let me hold my baby first. Let me rub her/his vernix into their skin. Let me feed her/him when he/she crys. Let me be her/his mother! See me as a person aswell as someone giving birth.

If i NEED a ceserean it will be because mine and/or my babys life depends on it. I can live with that but i will not be okay. I will never be ok with the idea that all of my children were ripped from my body. I will need time, i will need space and i will need support.

My plans are to labor at home and from there...we shall see.

38weeks & 6days...Not that im counting

Let me start first by saying thankyou! Thankyou from the bottom of my heart for all of the support and well wishers i have had contact me through this blog. One woman has called me an inspiration. I wouldnt quite go that far but to be honest, if i can help just 1 pregnant woman inspire herself to have enough faith in herself toput her emotional well being and the well being of her body and her baby and to ultimatley say yes to VBAC, then i have succeded in what i set out to do.

Today i am almost 39weeks pregnant.

Im sore. Im big. Im heavy. Even my maternity clothes arent fitting. My back hurts. I feel like my vaginas going to explode. Hubbys working nonstop for the next few days so im home alone with the 2 toddlers, hard work! And to top it off im upset that my fingers and hands are swollen and my wedding rings wont fit any more!! Yip im complaining...my perogitive!

Last night hubby and I decided to have lots of sex to try and help everything along. All its achieved is uncomfortableness, back ache, sore boobs and yip an arguement! Cool, not!
So today im having a stink day. I hadnt felt bubby move all night and all morning so rung my midwife an hour or so ago and im supposed to go in for monitoring shortly but murphys law...bubbys been moving ALOT since then! Thanks littleone...freaking me out for nothing.

Im getting to the stage where im starting to get paranoid and worried about my baby passing away in utero, not knowing and giving birth to a stillborn baby. Im sure most if not all women get to this stage. Its scary because we cant see in our bellies to see what going on whereas if we were holding our newborns we can watch their little chests rising and falling as they breathe.

I havent spoken much latley about auctual VBAC's. The reason for this is im honestly not even thinking about it! The fact that ive never given birth before and im 'scarred' hasnt factored into anything for me for a good few weeks now!! I feel like a normal nervous and anxious mum waiting to feel those surges and to give birth. Simple as! Im NOT scared or worried that something will go wrong. Im not freaking out. I truly believe that i will just go into labor and then give birth. Normal, uneventful and natural.

This whole uterine "rupture" thing doesnt even cross my mind.
Let me say however, i am not naieve. I know the risks, i have stated them numerously! I have researched and thought about everything that could go wrong and what would happen if something did go wrong. My husband and I, along with our midwife have made seperate birth plans for this very reason. Lets face it, i know what can happen if something goes wrong...ive been there twice!! I cant say that i will ever be ready to handle and cope 100% if i happened to need a ceserean, no matter what the reason. If something goes wrong i will need one, i know that! Infact i wouldnt cope, at all. But i would get through it, i would live and i would know that we as a birthing team did everything we could for a natural and normal birth but somethings things are out of our hands.

So as i sit here, 23rd of June 2012 at 12.47pm, i am okay with how things are. I have the normal worries any mum at this stage of pregnancy would have. I have been into the risks and i know them inside out. I am sore and very ready for my baby. I am ready to start and have started some natural things to help induce labor. I also realise im not quite at my due date yet and could have another few weeks before i get to meet this tiny baby living inside me.

I am very ready to meet my baby and i do tell him/her that every day. Everyone and everything is set to go...we are now just waiting on you, my precious miracle!!

One last note today...
My vision, my body has already started dialating and everything will be in full swing within the next few days. I will ring my midwife and she will come to my home to check how things are going. Within a few hours of active labor and powerful surges my baby will be ready to meet us and start descending down and through my vagina. I will get in the bath and hubby will to, facing me. I will push as my body tells me to. Everything will slowly but surely happen...God knows i need this to happen slowly so as to heal me from my previous traumas. Tiny baby your head will emerge and your membranes will be intact. A few minutes later i push you out and into your daddys arms. Your daddy then place you on my chest and your membranes are released, you take a few moments and then take your first breath.

How simple and plain but exactly perfect <3

38 weeks & counting......

Today i am 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant.
I am beginning to feel as though i will be pregnant forever! I didnt think i would start feeling this way untill at least 40 weeks. I was dreading this part, where i am beginning to hate being pregnant and longing for a baby to hold in my arms. But...thats every pregnant womens rant at this point, right?!

Where i am at with all this vaginal birth stuff...
So one of my last posts i wrote that i was getting knocked around a bit and loosing my faith and positivity regarding VBAC. I was crying and emotional and didnt really care any more.

Ive since been thinking about it all and to be honest i think that what was going on with me was the fact that like every pregnant woman the end was coming closer and i was anxious. I wasnt freaking out about my personal situation, i just had the natural thoughts any woman has when the time is near. I truly believe in my body, i know my uterus is fine, i know my body and my baby are both fine. We will work together and get this done the way nature intended. Im not scared of anything, im excited to feel those first few contractions and to feel the waves of them ride over me as i sway into them and become one with them. Im soo excited to feel my baby moving deep within me and with each contraction and each push feeling him/her slowly moving down and ready to emerge. EEK!! I cant wait! Im ready for you little baby xx

I dreamt of you last night, i was in the bath and your daddy was sitting opposite me, i push and lay back as you emerge from within me into your papas hands, he places you on my chest as i sit up and with that we see you, we feel you, we meet you and we hear your tiny cry for the first time.

This is the second most signifigant dream about your birth i have had during this pregnancy. We wanted your sex to stay a surprise and your definatley keeping it a surprise! With both dreams your 'bits' are well hidden from me. We cant wait to see what you are!!

Little miracle living inside me, we have your little bed all ready for you... (Dont worry though, youll never sleep in it, i fully intend to co-sleep with you. Daddys just a bit freaked out by that concept but hey, he came around to the whole homebirth thing.) Hehe!

Hmm so on another note....
Has anyone out there given themselves cervical exams or anything of the sort?? Just something ive been thinking about but something ive never done. I have read about cervical massage aswell as a stretch and sweep.....    What do you all think, worth it?
I want my baby to pick his or hers own birthday. I want labor to start naturally and spontaniously but within saying that i hope its really soon. Im only 38weeks but im starting to feel as though it will never happen naturally and that no midwife or doctor will induce me due to the whole VBA2C thing and im also scared if i go too far overdue that my baby will be hugely huge! My first baby was 12days overdue and weighed 9lb 12oz, my second baby was 5weeks prem and weighed 6lb 8oz. So im probly looking at another BIG baby, not that that really matters but then ill start thinking all about tearing etc.

So what im trying to say is that maybe a little cervical massage with some help from my darling hubby may not be a bad thing???!!!

Hmmm who knows!! Well midwife appointment tomorrow afternoon...ill let you know how it goes them! Send me lots of positive and beautiful labor thoughts. Hehe xx