Saturday, 17 November 2012

19 weeks later

Wow! I feel like its been forever since i wrote my last post.
Our little vba2c baby, Indee is now 19weeks old...
Life is pretty amazing!
Auctually i didnt realize how having a baby could be soo good and normal.

19weeks on and im not shadowed by postnatal depression, im not still taking pain meds from a botched surgery, im not in pain, im not sad and freshly traumatised.
19weeks on from my babys birth i am genuinley HAPPY! I am loving being a mummy again! I can walk like a normal person! I have that little natural tummy pouch that only natural births keep! I am HAPPY!
I remember my babys birth, i remember her first few hours earthside, i remember her first, second and twentieth days here with us.
I have truly never been this happy in all my life. From the outside my life truly is perfect!!
So a natural birth was definatley something i feel i needed to personally experiance to feel as though i am whole as a woman. I know there will be alot of you out there that dont understand me saying that, i mean clearly i am a woman and ive had children before. I just cannot describe to you how it feels to have something like birthing your baby taken away from you in the most horrible way, being violated and traumatised when it didnt have to be that way...and to then do something so normal and natural that happens everyday, all over the world, to millions of women. Im empowered and i have confidence. I finally know what it feels like to birth my baby.

My one setback during this journey...
So throughout this journey i truly believed (although i didnt admit this to anyone), that giving birth naturally this time i would be 100% healed. My previous experiances i would be able to let go of and they wouldnt be able to hurt me any more.
How wrong was i!
Although i now feel whole and cant wait to naturally give birth again, i feel soooo much anger then i ever have about any of my previous experiances.

-How dare the doctors and nurses treat me the way they did because i was just another paitent.
-How dare they touch and violate my body and my babies home the way they did.
-How dare they give me drugs without my permission...had i been on the street could they not have been arrested?! 
-How dare they strap me on a bed unnessecarilly when they know full well this raises my chances on having a ceserean!
-How dare they put my baby, both my babies in the dangers they did.

((More??? Honestly i just cannot handle to let it all go and let it all out tonight!))

The thing is though that they do this everyday, to millions of unsuspecting pregnant women. And if they cant convince the women to do what they want, they scare the men who are supposed to be our rocks, our support. And then the doubt is there, we feel like if hubbys worried then so should i.

When will this stop??!!

As pregnant women we need to be the ones to take the control into our own hands. We need to stop thinking of doctors as gods and start believeing that our bodies are our temples. Because, well, they are. We are not sick. We are pregnant!
Lets start NOT giving our control away to these doctors who do not always have our best interests at heart.

Doctors want control, they want to control you.
Doctors are scared.
When they loose control and cant convince you what to do, they get scared.

Its a fact of life that women grow and nuture and keep alive their babies, women go into labor and birth their babies. Our bodies are made this way! Otherwise why would we have breasts, why would we grow a placenta, why would we have periods...
When a women is in labor, its her and her body that are in charge. Its her body that does the work. The only way a doctor has semi control is to strap you to a bed and pump you, and essentially your baby, full of drugs...then your a tad incoherent...they can do what they like and tell you what they like. If your out of it on drugs, your baby is likely to be feeling the same as you, therefore stuffing with your babies heart and causing fetal distress and ending in a ceserean...Am i right?!

Fuck you doctors for damaging me!!

Ok...Rant over....for now...

So recently ive been thinking about where to go from here.
Ive never really had a career and i know that i ultimatley want to be a midwife. However i find that a tad unrealistic at the moment as i have 3 kiddies under 5 and just would not have the time or energy for full time on campus study for 3years. Plus Indee is fully breastfed so it just wouldnt work...
I have decided to become a childbirth educator. I am soo excited! So so excited! I havent felt this excited about anything in soo long!

As damaged as i feel sometimes i am thankful for my 3 healthy and beautiful children. I think if i was to write everything i have floating in my head i would be here all night. I promise to write more often, maybe i should rename this blog...the damaged ceserean mumma?!

So thats about me for now.

P.S- What do you all think of me writing a book based on this blog??

Saturday, 14 July 2012

The birth of my VBA2C baby...Indee Elizabeth Faith

The birth story of my vba2c baby

*This birth story contains graphic descriptions and photographs of childbirth including female anatomy and of blood* *Consider yourself warned*

My story begins on Saturday the 7th of July at 40weeks and 6days. My midwife had taken personal leave the weeks before and still wasnt back. Having her away and having our plans for regular cervical checks and stretch and sweeps to help avoid going too 'overdue' had me on edge and at times upset. I no longer had that 1 professional person who supported me around whenever i needed it. The other backup midwives were nice but to tell you the truth seemed too scared to even come near me for fear of my uterus blowing up!

I had an appointment with one midwife at the maternity unit at 3pm for a bit of accupuncture to try and help get everything ready to start. I hated every second of it however was proud of myself for giving it a go...I will not be trying it again any time soon! That night nothing really happened or felt any different. I went to bed and slept quite well.

Sunday the 8th of July i awoke and started getting contractions that were quite uncomfortable but didnt alert anything in my head as to wether labor was near or not. Contractions got quite regular, every 12-13mins but only lasting maybe 20-30seconds. I had this all day. That night i decided to have a bath and felt an overwhelming urge to have my husband close to me, kissing me and touching my body. Not in a sexual way at all but it was nice to want to have him touching me this way considering how sore and awkward things had been for me latley. I lay in the bath relaxing and breathing through my little contractions as my husband soothed and touched my body. The best i had felt in a wee while. I think subconciously i knew something had changed and was different. I had an almost *open* feeling... like something was happening.

It was getting later, around 9.30-10pm i believe, so i decided to head to bed, hubby followed soon after and for the first time in a little while i felt the urge to make love to him. It was really great and not awkward or sore at all. I felt a deep connection that had been missing for a while. Hubby jokingly told me he didnt feel like going to work in the morning so could i please go into labor before 7am. We both fell into a deep sleep. A few hours later at 1.31am on July 9th, i awoke to a HUGE contraction and the need to run to the toilet. I sat there about 10minutes having to breathe through these contractions whilst emptying what i felt like was my entire stomach contents. This was it, i was in labor!! With excitement i went to wake up hubby, he seemed confused at first and then had a smile on his face. By this point contractions were getting quite painful and contractions were lasting longer and coming every 3minutes.

Hubby ran me a bath and the relief on my back was great. I also had a big mucus plug greet us as i got out of the bath. By now contractions were coming every 2 and a half minutes and lasting 2minutes. Hubby rang the backup midwife and she said she'd be over soon to check how baby was and how everything with me was going. I could feel baby moving so wasnt worried at all. Excitement had taken ahold. Contractions were getting quite intense at this point and i had started using my voice to help me through them. I woke up my 2 little kidlets who were very interested to know what was going on. They decided to hang out a bit and watch t.v and eat yoghurts.

By now it was about 3.30am and our backup midwife turned up. She started by asking what had been happening etc and then checked babys heartbeat. Baby was perfect and happy in there. The midwife had a few concerns that possibly he/she was posterior. She then checked my cervix and found me the be 3-4cms. Woop woop!! At this point the contractions had slowed...the midwife reassured me that that was normal, it was the adrenalin running through my body by her coming to check on everything. She also told me this was the point of no return and we needed to start thinking of heading over to Rotorua hospital, 45-60mins away pretty soon. She was going to leave and ring the hospital to let them know we were coming and also the midwife who had been organised to look after me over there. Hubby rang his parents to come and have the kids and we started packing and checking our list to make sure we didnt forget anything. I felt like already i wanted to be naked and was doing a great job at voicing through my contractions which had come back at full force.

We left home at about 4.50am and started the long ride over to Rotorua. About 25mins in to the drive i started having to really focus inwards and had to turn off the radio and ask my mum and hubby to not talk during them. I despretley wanted to get my clothes off now. We had fun joking that i could deliver in the car (very glad i didnt)! We got to the hospital just before 6am where i was shown to a room and got to meet the lady my midwife had asked to look after me. My first thought was she looked young but she instantly made me feel at ease. We quickly went through my wishes for a non-intervention natural birth, possibly a water birth depending on how i felt at the time. Also my wishes on a lure/i.v, continuious ctg monitoring and the natural delivery of the placenta and no cutting the cord untill i asked. She was completley happy with everything and soo supportive. We did a 10-15minute ctg monitoring of baby to check his/her heart tones and that was it.

At about this point she checked my cervix and found i was still only about 4cms but i was almost fully effaced which was soo great to know!

I spent alot of time squatting on the edge of the bed during contractions, then smiling and talking with hubby inbetween. Then everything amped up a little and i started getting loud. My midwife came to check on me and to check babys thing i was worried about during my pregnancy was that baby would go into foetal distress. Each time the midwife checked his/her heart it was just PERFECT!!

Hubby was a great support, telling me how well i was doing and encouraging me on. He is a tad camera shy....

Id been dying to get in that pool so my midwife checked me and i was now 5cm's and fully effaced so yah, it started filling...the relief of the warm water on my back was just amazing!!

Almost as soon as i got in the pool things stepped up and became more intense. I had got to fully dialated with my first labor but was literally strapped to the bed on the monitors and had 'gas' shoved at me very early on so dont remember much. This was totally different.

Once again, my midwife was just amazing, she just moved around me to find baby's heartbeat, never once asking me to do anything i wasnt comfortable with. Once again baby's heart was absolutley strong and perfect. Great peace of mind. The feeling of working together was just amazing!

At this point i began to feel pushy and told the midwife, she wasnt sure id be ready yet and i didnt want to start unless i truly was ready so she just checked me in the water.

My body wasnt ready yet, i was sitting at about 6(ish)cms, so i had to really work hard not to push. I think this was the worst part for me, holding off on what i felt my body was doing. I started having thoughts like i cant do this and this is why women opt for cser's etc. I then had to pull myself out of that and started to say out loud "i can, i can, i can". I found this helped alot!! However i was still having trouble, my midwife suggested trying the gas just to get me through this stage.

I had been scared to use it due to my horrible and traumatic experiances of loosing control with my first labor but decided that i needed the gas to help stop that pushy feeling. I found it worked and helped alot. At one point i felt i started to loose control and needed to stop using it, i stood for a while and leaned on my hubby who had been by my side the whole time. I remember saying, "i feel like im loosing control and need to stop for a bit". After a few contractions i regained my clarity and remember saying out loud "im ok, im here". I also had a moment where i got a bit scared of my scar tearing/ripping open. The midwife reassured me that because babys head was soo far past the scar line it would be highly unlikely as there was no pressure on it.

The midwife left for a little bit and as i relaxed through a contraction, im told afterward that hubby pulled the help cord as id had a small bleed, my first through all of labor so far. He didnt mention or say anything. Im soo proud of the way he handled that, not scaring me at all. It was just the bloody show, the small amount of blood just as babys ready to come. Midwife checked me and i was 9(ish)cm's.
One or two contractions later i got super pushy and asked the midwife to check me as i couldnt fight or hold back the urge any more. She checked me and i was found to be fully dialated but with a tiny lip. As i couldnt hold back the urge any more the midwife manually held back the cervical lip so i could start pushing. I asked the time now and it was around 9am i believe.
Still in the pool and after a little while pushing i inserted my fingers and could feel the babys head pushing down on the squishy bulging bag of waters that was still intact. Hubby wasnt too keen to feel but i made him and now hes glad i did. A few more pushes and my still intact waters started coming out of my vagina. I asked the midwife to break them for me as i was worried it would be harder to push out the baby if they were still there. She said she wouldnt but i would be able to myself which after a little bit of touching the balloon shape of it coming out, did with just may nail. As my waters broke, the fluid was clear, another reassurance. Babys heart was still PERFECT! I couldnt believe i was auctally doing it! Hubby told me that when i first felt the waters bulging out i said "Oh my God im really going to do this", with a huge smile on my face. 

Almost as soon as i broke my waters things got wickedly intense and it definatley was all on. I could feel babys head dropping lower and lower and i was now pushing with all my might during each contraction. I had never got to pushing with any of my other labors so this was new to me.

With each contraction and push i could feel babys head come down a little bit and then go back in. I got a little upset at this but then with each new contraction and push i felt babys head come lower and futher down. Then it would slip back but then come down more with each push untill finally we could see babys head stay there. We were at the point of no return. I was slightly scared of tearing but from what i heard when you tore it was inside the vagina and/or between your vagina and anus so thats where i was expecting the 'burning' pain people talk about. I didnt have any of that pain, i felt the burning around my clitorus and inner lips, especially on the left side. I dont think i was ever prepared for how much work the pushing was, nothing can describe how hard it is to auctually push a baby down your birth canal.

I was still in the birth pool pushing, i would relax complatley on my back with my head back inbetween contractions and everyone knew when the next contraction was coming as i would grab both of my legs and literally float, hubby supporting my head out of the water. At times i was so inside myself and concentrating on pushing that my ears and half of my face would go under the water blocking out all other noises and voices.

As my babys head started crowning i couldnt stop touching it. I kept my hand on my babys head the whole time. At around 9.27am i pushed my babys head into the world. It burned and hurt but the feeling was amazing!! Indescribable!! He/she was facing my left leg. I couldnt stop touching the little nose and ear. Hubby being beside me had to ask me to move my hand so he could see to. At 9.28am and with the next contraction i pushed the hardest i had and my babys body slid out of me, i brought him/her to the surface and cuddled her to me straight away. I started crying with pure joy. The midwife rubbed my babys tiny body to help stimulate his/her breathing but everything was soo calm and quiet. I was never once scared my baby wouldnt breathe.

The most amazing and perfect moment of my life.
Awake...Alert...Natural...Good pain...My baby in my arms.

NO feeling, NO moment, NOTHING could ever compare to having your baby born into the world the way this little baby was. Natural, no drugs, delivered into the water and into its mummy arms and held against her bare skin.

It took about 10minutes for me to look and see that i had given birth to a beautiful little girl.

I looked at hubby who had been with me the whole time and said 'Indee', he smiled and said im happy with that if you are. Our beautiful wee baby girl was named Indee.

About 15 minutes after giving birth i delivered my placenta into the now empty pool. I was getting very uncomfortable sitting on the bottom of the hard pool. I had asked for the cord not to be cut untill i had naturally delivered the placenta and the cord had fully stopped pulsating. My wishes were kept and held to a high standard. When i was ready the midife clamped the cord, leaving it long and we decided that i would cut it. I did so (rather awkwardly). I then was helped out of the pool while hubby held our baby. I was helped into the bed and little Indee was placed directly back on to me and i started feeding her. In this photo she is only 30 or so minutes old and already look at how alert she is!! Amazing what babys are like when their laboring mothers arent pumped full of unnessecary drugs! I was checked whilst on the bed and no tears or stitches required as i only had a little 'graze' on the left inner lip...excatly where id felt the most of the that 'burning' pain whilst her head was crowning.

After an hour and a half or so after birth we weighed our beauty and were all extremley surprised to find how big she was. I knew she would be long but had no idea id just pushed out a 9lb 12oz beauty. Ironically shes the same birth weight as my first baby who was also 9lb 12oz. Indee's head circumference is 37cms and shes 53cms long. Beautiful and healthy and strong.

Within a few hours we had left the hospital and were back in Taupo. I decided to stay a night at the maternity hospital to get some rest, although wee Indee had other ideas. Shes an amazing feeder!!

I am soo proud of myself and the way i handled everything from the moment i found out i was expecting up untill the moment i held Indee's precious tiny body in my arms.

Welcome to the world my precious VBA2C baby.

Indee Elizabeth Faith McCarthy xx

Wednesday, 11 July 2012


At 1.31am on the morning of July 9th i awoke to a huge contraction which proceded to more and more...Yip labor had started!

I took a bath, contractions still coming, 2mins apart lasting 2mins.

We rang our backup midwife and she came to check how i was doing.

She arrived at 3am and i was 3-4cms dialated with contractions getting stronger, longer and my beautiful children waking to share in the excitement.

By 6am we had arrived at Rotorua hospital and labor was in full swing....

Everything went perfectly, from my handling the ever growing contractions with a smile each time, the babys heartbeat was just PERFECT and the midwife i had looking after me was an absolute God send!

At 9.28am into absolute peacefullness and completley naturally into water i gave birth, against all odds, to a healthy and beautiful wee girl...


Indee Elizabeth McCarthy

We are both doing amazingly well and loving this precious time together. I will post lots of pics and my birth story soon xx

Thursday, 5 July 2012

40weeks & 5days...come on littleone

Yep, now im 5 days overdue! Im ok though, feeling good.
Saw the backup midwife this morning after i called and requested a check up appointment.
She still refused to do anything but my blood pressure and a ctg reading...
However baby was jumping around nicely and heartbeat was fantastic! Very reassuring. My midwife is back on Monday at 2 and a half days or thereabouts. Im booked in tomorrow at 3pm for accupuncture and a stretch and sweep by another backup midwife. And also booked in over at Rotorua on Tuesday 3.30pm for an ultrasound bio-physical. That will check the health and function of the placenta and cord etc!

So heres where im at....
Feeling much better about everything despite my midwife still being away. Feeling great about babys health and wellbeing. Still getting irregular contractions and lots of back pain...clearly not putting me in active labor but definatley doing good things!! Hubby checked my cervix last night and was like 'woah everythings soo different down there.' My more foward and closer to the entrance, much softer and surprise he couldnt find my cervix like hes been able to before. When he last checked at the beginning of the week he clearly found my cervix, could fit 2 fingers in and slightly seperate them...suggesting 2-2.5cm dialated. So im thinking either we're both crazy or my cervix is even more open then last time and as hes not trained he couldnt recognise the 2 sides of it??!!

Im feeling much better now we have a plan. I think i started feeling a tad freaked out and uneasy because i didnt know what was going on with my midwife and everything. Now i have a set plan i can follow untill this gorgeous baby decides to become earthside!

So, accupuncture and stretch and sweep tomorrow.
Midwife back monday.
Scan tuesday.
Meanwhile just going with the flow and feeling good.

NOW...Before i start getting lectures and shit for talking about "induction" and hurrying the process along etc. STOP!!! Especially all you girls out there that have never been pregnant and want to tell me that my baby will come when its ready.....or any of you that want to tell me, oh they'll 'LET' you get to at least 10days overdue before they make you book in a cser. HAVE YOU NOT BEEN READING OR TAKING IN ANY OF MY BLOG!! (Haha. Granted this is a rant, dont get offended, im 5days overdue and allowed a wee rant here and there, right!)

So, lets do a little bit of revising...
-NOONE can make you do anything, wether it be a cser or otherwise.
-Noone can make me book in a cser for being 'overdue', wether it be 5days overdue or 5weeks.
-Noone can make you start natural remedies or anything to help induce labor and speed things along.
-Noone can make you have an ultrasound at any point during a pregnancy, even if your overdue.
-Noone can make you sign anything in hospital, even if they tell you you have to.
-Noone has the right to tell you what you have to do or decide about ANYTHING.
-You have the right to leave the hospital at any point of any stage of labor.
-Noone can pressure or scare you into anything...this is where your researching and auctual knowledge about each thing comes into it!

Got all that?!

So, ive voiced that i am against induction of labor purely because your over it and for any reason other then you or your baby need it. Eg, pre-eclampsia etc.

Now your wondering because of my new plans......
I am not being induced. I have made the decision to do accupuncture and to have a stretch and sweep not because i am over being pregnant or im scared to go any later then i am. I am putting the health and wellbeing of myself and my baby 1st. I BELIEVE that the best thing for me, my body and my baby is to birth naturally and normally with a spontanious onset of labor. Now accupuncture will NOT induce labor unless my cervix, body and baby are ready to go. Accupuncture will NOT put anything foreign or artificial into my body or into my cervix, like for example piticon. Accupuncture will help to stimulate the oxytocin already in my body which may help release the extra oxytocin within my cervix already. Sex and sperm do the same things, just in a different way. I have chosen to allow a stretch and sweep. Again this will not induce me or start anything unless my cervix is found to be favourable and open and unless (again) my body is ready to go. A stretch and sweep does have the risk of rupturing my membranes of which i am fully aware. The plan if this happens is ctg monitoring at the maternity cinic every 12hours aswell as antibiotics if labor has not started within 12-24hours. This is a risk i am quite prepared to take as i believe within myself that labor is not far for me anyway. Plenty of women have a premmature rupture of their membranes and can be on antibiotics for 5+weeks with no harm done to baby or themselves. This pregnancy, unless anything was wrong i disagreed with the idea of anything more then a dating scan and a 19/20weeks scan. I do not believe in the effectiveness of a scan, again unless anything is wrong, outside of these times. I will be having a bio-physical profile scan between 41 and 42 weeks to confirm that my placenta and the baby are 100% healthy etc however i will not allow any measuring of the size of the baby as they are mostly wrong anyway. Plus i already know this baby will be a bonnie big chubby wee thing! Hehe.

Now i feel these slight interventions will be well worth it as they arent invasive, will confirm the health and wellbeing of myself and my body and will either not do anything or will help slightly speed thing along and give my body that extra boost of oxytocin which can only be a good thing. Satisfied?!

Im not here to justify any of my decisions to any of you however i want you to understand whats going on in my head and i also want to be able to look back on my choices and decisions.

Oh just one more thing...
"Why am i being pressured into a cser"..
One of the most common questions i am getting. Again read my blog if you wanna know everything, im not going into it all again and again.....But pretty much, doctors cant control what goes on in my belly. They want the baby out and feel safer with the baby out because then they can control whats going on. They start to freak out when they dont have control. This is why there is soo much controversy and lack of respect for VBAC and VBAMC. This is why the world wide cser rate is so disgustingly high and why women VBAC or not are told they HAVE TO have a cser after so many weeks and days or an induction. I was told today that a referral is sent in at 41weeks and 3days for women who are 'overdue'. My response...unless my babys health is compromised then there is no way in hell i will consent or allow a cser for being 'overdue'!! My first was 12days what?! As long as my baby is healthy then there is no problem!

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

My ups & downs...40weeks + 4days

Well here i am...."overdue". This pic was taken at 40 weeks and 2 days. I didnt think id last that long but as i write im now 4days past my "EDD".

Im excited to meet this little bubby but OMG am i battling hard with my emotions regarding everything else surrounding life at the moment!

I dont even know where to start. My amazing independant midwife that i praise all the time has had to take personal leave, almost a week now so im wondering when she'll be back and also hopeing that everything is ok! Im now stuck with her backups...neither of which will come near me as they arent as experianced with VBAC's or women like me. And yesterday at my appointment the backup wasnt even there so i got the DHB nurse midwives, although nice enough they wont do more then check my blood pressure and do a ctg...a bit like the back ups.

Now im FREAKING OUT that im gunna get to 10days overdue and begin getting pressure from the OB's over at the hospital. My plan with my midwife was regular stretch and sweeps and cervical checks to ensure things were slowly happening and maybe shake things up a little bit. Hubby now has that job as i cant quite reach in there to where i need to be. Dont worry we know the risks and what could happen and we are completley feeling safe and at ease with doing this..(especially compared to the alternatives!)

Those 'tightenings' i was getting in one of my last posts had increased since Saturday (6 days ago) to contractions. They become strong, regular and stay, i get convinced something is happening so lie down to rest...wake up and they are back to little tightenings. However i now remember what real contractions feel like and can feel them coming etc. Some i can talk through and others where i completley have to stop everything and go within myself. So things are starting, progressing well and then stopping and then repeating...My cervix is sitting at about 2-3cms and very soft etc. So encouraging and letting me know things are definatley happening.

This labor is reminding me a tad of my first....up for 2 nights with mainly back pain and some tummy stuff going on then stopping during the day. At 12days 'overdue' being called in for assesment for induction...being only 18, having no support and being naieve i go and am found to be 6cms dialated.............................................The difference being my waters were broken, (without prior consent or knowledge) so that really super kicked things off. Now im facing this slow dialation process but as noone will give me a damned vaginal examination i dont really know where i stand or whats going on.

Trying to stay positive and stick to my guns but its hard. Days like today, no contact from backup midwife, baby moving but very quiet compared to usual and lots of these contractions....what do i do?! I just keep going like im going. Im starting to let fears come aboard with stories of full term and overdue stillborns and pressure to relent my plans and give up my plans to book a cser. Im getting to the point where its like all that ive worked for doesnt matter as now i have all these things creeping up against me. Its not fair and it fricken SUCKS!!

Im not in a hurry to get the baby out and thats why im like omg they arent doing anything...infact my midwife and i voiced concerns to each other that once i hit my "due date" i really am on the clock. People can be soo niaeve and unfair and put all of us in this one box of rules and regulations. The bloody truth is that sometimes, some of us just dont fit!! Thats not something ive come up with, its pure fact!!

Im left thinking, what can i do?! I believe that for the saftey of me and my baby i need to begin labor. I need to be 'allowed' to labor with the intention to birth my baby naturally. Now im faced with midwives and doctors that dont believe i can, dont believe in my body and truly believe surgery is a better option for me.....dont forget they dont know me, my history or anything apart from whats in those files.

Did i mention i now no longer can labor at home. As soon as anything happens my 'instructions' are to ring the backup midwive (who i get who knows), head to the Taupo maternity where they will asses me, if im over 3cms dialated i then "HAVE TO" get my husband to drive me the 45-60mins to the hospital where i will be admitted, told i have to be continuosly monitored and get an iv etc etc etc.

I am going to be fighting the 'system' the whole way. Its a fricken joke! Im glad i have my husband and he believes what i do but im scared they will get him cornered away from me, scare him and in turn scare me into things we dont want or nessecarily need.

This whole unassisted birth at home is becoming more and more attractive!!!

Hmm will keep you updated...sorry for the down post but like i said last blog, my feelings, my online diary, ME!

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

A note from my husband

This morning i was reading new comments on my blog and found this one from none other then my husband. Thanks darling, you had me in tears with this one...

Hi everyone. Up until now I'm what you might call the silent partner in all this, although I seem to be more commonly known as 'hubby' in these posts, although I prefer "DH" (darling husband) as I was named in one of the first post lol. As you may have now guessed I am Larissa's husband. Like most of you I have been following my wife's blog and I think it is about time I chucked in my two cents worth. Firstly I would just like to confirm that yes I am a "pretty good cleaner-uppera" and I can hold my own with the Bree Van de Kamps of this world (yes I know, shameless desperate house wives reference lol). But in all seriousness I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone out there that has posted support and well wishes in response to this blog. This is such a big deal to my wife and I know how much it means to her to be getting support instead of the usual ignorant damnation of a vbac. One person out there even called Larissa inspirational and although Larissa played it down in a latter post I think that is exactly what she is! And I will tell you why. When we found out we were pregnant again Larissa raised the issue of a vba2c and homebirth with me and my immediate reaction was, "No way! How could we take such a risk when all the doctors say how dangerous it is?!" I like most people out there I took the word of a doctor as correct and verifiable. And for good reason might I add (or so I though). As an employee of one of our nations major emergency services any dealing I have had with the medical profession has always been one of life saving intervention in major trauma situation. So I was used to seeing them save lives that otherwise almost certainly would have been lost. Also my own experiences with broken limbs and my fathers heart attack had been positive ones with life/limb saving results. So like most people out there I was fairly indoctrinated with the idea that doctors know best and always acted in our best interests. When my wife challenged me with a different idea about doctors, specifically their role in unnecessary cesareans and the idea of a vba2c at home I challenged her to prove it and show me the alternative. Well show me she did!!! She spent hour upon hour researching the internet and getting a hold of every vbac book she could get her hands on. Now I would just like to point out that I am definitely at the stubborn end of male stubbornness, I also have all the usual god given traits that come with being a male such as ignorance, pigheadedness etc etc. So i don't change my mind let alone my whole perspective and outlook on something very easily. That being said I am (arguably my wife would say) no idiot. So when Larissa presented me with the overwhelming facts, statistics and information on vbac and unnecessary cesareans, as well as finding a credible midwife supportive of a vba2c homebirth, I was completely swayed and convinced by her argument. I now look at doctors and the way the hospital system treats birth in a completely new light. More importantly I support my wife in her goal for a natural vba2c birth 110% but best of all I am not just supporting her because she is my wife, but I am supporting her because I too believe what she is doing is in the best interests of her and our baby. My wife's effort to educate herself on this issue has really empowered her to challenge the status quo to blaze her own trail to her goal of a vba2c. And personally I can't wait to catch my own child as it is born into this world the way it can be when we all just take a step back and let mums do what mums have been doing for hundreds of years.

Monday, 25 June 2012

My fears, my worrys, my hopes...39weeks & 1day

39 weeks and 1 day today.
We're almost there tiny baby in my belly.
It cant be long now.

This whole pregnancy ive thought that your 'estimated due date' is a perfect sounding date...July 1st. Could you have other plans maybe? For the last hour ive been getting uncomfortable tightenings in my tummy with pains in my back. Hehe. Sounds promising although ive had this before...are you tricking me littleone?! Maybe ill clean and tidy the house a bit..however im sure daddy would do that as soon as he got home. Hes a pretty good cleaner-uppera!!
Today is the 25th, i was born on the 25th and so was Mr 4years. Maybe this littleone will be to!

So enough of my rambling.
I really wanted to share something with you all. A book that ive been reading latley.....

A modern woman's guide to a natural empowering birth by Katrina Zaslavsky.

This book is truly beautifully written and has some amazing and honestly empowering stories in it! I live in New Zealand...the author lives in Australia, i ordered and got mine within a week, pretty great service!! Im also friends with the author on Facebook (gotta love it!). I definatley recommend it to every pregnant woman!

Its about time we start sharing the amazingly boring and natural stories of childbirth and not keep spreading the fear we have for many years that has got the ceserean rate up to well over double what it should be.

A bit of an update now....At my last midwife appointment a few days ago baby was jumping and moving and grooving around superbly!! I was on the monitor for a good half an hour or so. My little toddlers did sooo good at occupying themselves plus it really helps having an amazing midwife like me!

OUCH....another uncomfortable tightening!!

She gave me an internal and found that although my cervix was thick and back it was soft so thats encouraging!! Up untill now ive forgotten that im not even at my EDD yet. People keep asking if ive had my baby yet, if im in labor yet. Well nope but ill let you know. Lol. I could still go another 2 or 3 weeks. My first was 12days over his EDD.

WOAH and another one!!! Hmmm....Maybe that bumpy car ride has dislodged something...?!?!

I wasnt going to add this but i think i might. At the start of this blog i promised full disclosure of my thoughts and my feelings in regards to this vbac journey. Id be lieing if i didnt share this with you all......Saturday arvo i lost it. I broke down and told, well yelled at my hubby to book in an elective cser. I spent the whole afternoon and night crying and crying and crying. I got scared. I had a pain on the left lower side of my scar. I began to tell myself that i had a dehiscence of my scar and i was going to start bleeding and need an emergency ceserean that night. I even packed my bags for the hospital and made hubby come home from work early.
I was scared and although i told hubby about the pain, i refused (in my head) to tell anyone else, eg my midwife, because of the thought of another cser.

Even talking about it now im crying. Im prepared to give birth to this baby but i am not prepared, emergency or not to have another cser. The thoughts of my past are too raw and real. The memories of being put under and having my body cut and torn and pulled and the feeling of hands inside me and not being able to breathe as the doctor put all his weight and effort into pushing my chest to get the baby out.

Yes, i have had 2 babies grow and live inside my body.
Yes, i have had 2 babies come from inside my body.
BUT...I have never seen my children less then a few hours old.
I have never been present at either of my childrens births.
I have never seen or smelt or held my newborn babies.
The chance to birth my own children was taken from me by disgusting medical PROFESSIONALS who did not give me a voice, who did not see me as a woman, who didnt see me as anything more then an incubator and another name on a list of things to do!

I AM ANGRY! I AM HURT AND SCARRED...Not only physically but emotionally aswell and although i will and have got through what happened to me, i will NEVER be over it!

I am trying soo hard, soo soo hard to put these fears aside but its hard. Its really hard.

So next, my hopes and wants......
I want whats rightly mine. To hold and touch my baby before anyone else. To touch my babys freshly born skin, blood, vernix, fluid and all! Let me see what my baby is before everyone else in the world knows. Dont take those precious first few moments away from me. Why is it i cannot remember my babies first few hours, days, weeks at all...All i know are photos and memories of pain and helplessness.

This time, let me hold my baby first. Let me rub her/his vernix into their skin. Let me feed her/him when he/she crys. Let me be her/his mother! See me as a person aswell as someone giving birth.

If i NEED a ceserean it will be because mine and/or my babys life depends on it. I can live with that but i will not be okay. I will never be ok with the idea that all of my children were ripped from my body. I will need time, i will need space and i will need support.

My plans are to labor at home and from there...we shall see.