Friday 20 January 2012

Ive decided to put my happiness and needs first


So today is the 21st of January 2012. I am now 16weeks and 5days pregnant and as of 10am on Thursday i am honestly the happiest i have been in a very long time! At 9.30 am i had my 16week midwife appointment. I was extremely nervous about seeing her as over the past few months i had come to the really big conclusion that i do not feel safe in a hospital. I do not feel safe going into labor and birthing my baby in a hospital. Where do i feel safest? At home. I feel safe at home with my belongings, with my things. I was petrified of the response id get when i mentioned having a home birth to my midwife, i was almost in tears! I decided to just ask her what she would think if i decided to have a home birth...Her response was she knew that's what i was going to ask her and she was completely 100% on board with the idea. Even now the relief i felt when she said this to me was overwhelming. I now feel so happy and free. I feel like there is nothing else in my way, no obstacles, no people, nothing. I now have support from my midwife and surprisingly my husband and i believe in myself 1million%. I AM HAVING A HOME BIRTH!!
So a few weeks before i found out i was pregnant a very good friend of mine also had just confirmed her pregnancy. Such an exciting time for both of us to be pregnant together and to share this journey. She has other children and had had a necessary cser with her first. Since then she has had 2 home births, both natural of course and this next one was to be no exception. She told me a bit about her births and VBAC's and her midwife she'd had. She definatley got me thinking. I don't think Ive ever met someone as young but intelligent and researched and amazing as this woman! She truly inspires me and i whole heartedly appreciate her and our friendship! Shes been my one main source of support throughout these past few months in regards to VBAC and now home birth.  We now have the same AMAZING midwife.
What did i know about home birth? How safe is it? What if something goes wrong? Alot of questions started in my head. From about 5 or 6 weeks pregnant i started toying with the idea of a home birth but with all the fighting i was already having to do in regards to just having a VBA2C i thought id put that on the back burner or just forget about it altogether! Not to mention hubby was completely against it. Weeks and months went by and i kept feeling myself pull back towards home birth. At the end of the day what was holding me back...?
Simple, i was scared of what other people would say and think. When it comes to birth so many people believe it is a medical thing to happen in a hospital with drugs and doctors. But what if that isn't true, what is pregnancy, labor and birth was a natural occurrence that happens every minute, all over the world and has for thousands and thousands of years?!   Oh wait....It is. It is natural..Women are specifically made to conceive, carry and birth babies. If we werent wouldn't the human race have dwindled down to 0 by now?
Let me quote the name of a page on Facebook Ive recently become quite attached to... "I gave birth at home. Not brave, not crazy, just educated!". This rings so true for me. As i started my research and began trawling through tons or sites, books, web articles, facts, stats and statistics i began to realise that women who choose to give birth at home are merely taking control of their bodies and the way they want to give birth of their baby's. They aren't crazy! They aren't brave! They just believe in a higher being giving them the strength to birth their babies safely and beautifully the way nature intended.
Why should a healthy mother with a healthy baby birth her baby in a hospital? What I'm now beginning to realise is that hospitals are places sick and dying people go to get better or ultimately die. Horrible to think about but sometimes we have to. Take my first birth for example, i was 100% normal and healthy when i walked in those doors...Within 3 hours i had had horrific, unmentionable things done to me, ALL without my consent, and ALL that ultimately lead to me being strapped to a bed, given drugs that couldve killed me and my baby. Held and forced and tied down, rendered unconscious enough to cut into my then perfectly pregnant body, i had layer upon layer of skin, muscle, tissue and then uterus ripped open and my then perfectly happy and calm baby torn from a gapping, bleeding hole in my stomach. My baby then had his cord clamped and cut straight away keeping a 3rd of his blood from him, thrusting him into a state where he suddenly has to breathe even though his lungs weren't ready. As they botched and infected me with improper procedures which almost killed me and made me suffer further surgery's, unbelievable pain that had me unconscious and unable to breathe at times, my baby was given injections and poked and prodded, not hugged or talked to or loved or even held. He was wrapped and put in a bassinet, screaming and crying for 2hours while everyone waited to see if i would live or not.
Can you honestly tell me that if i had stayed at home, in bed that morning or put off heading to the hospital for a few hours that i wouldn't have had my baby safely and naturally at my house or at the maternity home where i had originally intended to give birth? If that one nurse who decided that because i was only 18, making too much noise and id only been in labor for 3hours...if she'd not given me that unconsented or asked for pethidine and just checked my cervix instead that i would be unscarred and untraumatised now. That i wouldn't be fighting to now give birth to my baby naturally and having to resort to giving birth at home.
I believe that in a hospital setting i would be constantly fighting for my right to no drugs and my right to no interventions. I will NOT be "on the clock"! All i want for this labor and birth is to let my body tell me what it needs me to do. If i want to drink, i WILL drink. If i want to walk or sit or roll over or sway and rock my hips, i WILL. When i feel like eating i WILL. When i want cuddles from my husband and 5minutes alone with him to connect and feel like we are doing this together i WILL close our bedroom door and share those moments with him. When i don't want you coming into my house because you stress me out, i WILL tell you to go. I WILL unhook my phone and i WILL have the lights off with only candles lit. I WILL play my own music and yes i WILL scream and grunt and swear when i feel the need. The only person i want touching me is the one i ask at the time. The only drugs i need are the ones my body naturally knows to create and deliver when i need them. And when the time comes that my body feels the need to push, i WILL and my baby WILL be born naturally.
I believe in my body's ability to concieve, i have proved that i can. I believe in my body's ability to grow and nourish my baby, i have proved that i can. And now i believe that i can birth my baby, Ive never had the chance to prove this...I am now taking my body into my own hands, my own happiness...I am making the right decisions for myself and I have support from everyone that matters and most importantly i BELIEVE in myself. I know i can do this!








Friday 13 January 2012

The ignorance of some people....


First of all, through sharing this blog on facebook and with people i know over 100 of you have read it. The majority of you have all given me your full support and are shocked at what ive been through, wishing me luck and giving me congratulations on this next pregnancy. I sincerley appreciate all of your support and will be leaning on it alot, over the next 6 months.

However on a different note im finding alot of you getting negative and shouting at me how wreckless and terrible i am for wanting a "stupid natural birth whilst putting my babys life at risk."
It doesnt matter how many times i hear this, with each comment like it, it truely cuts me to the core. Most of these comments are coming from women who have had csers they believe saved their babies lives. Im not saying they are wrong but id love to know what led them to the point of a cser, what happened in the duration of her pregnancy and/or labor that led them to a cser. At the time when the doctor said "we need to give you a cser", did the women question the doctor and ask for another opinion or was his reply, your baby could die. Im not saying he was wrong but how do you know if you dont take 1 minute to know the true reality of the situation.

Let me first just say that i HAVE been there, i know how terrifying being put in that situation is. You've all read my birth rape stories. When your in labor and a doctor says to you, your baby will die if we dont give you a cser now, what mother would'nt say ok do it now.  I GET THAT! Im not saying that you were wrong in that moment for consenting....

The point im trying to get you all to understand is what led you to that point. What intervention, what "procedure" led you there. Were you induced, pitocin used, pain relief, drugs, lying on your back, continiously monitored, getting stressed out, not being heard or understood, feeling alone and scared.....What led you to that point?? Something did.

Here is a perfect example of where modern technology can work against a woman and lead to yet more unnesecary interventions, this infact is one of them to start with...
Continuious fetal monitoring (ctg, efm)
-Staff are more aware of any small changes and may therefore be more likely to intervene rather then letting labor take its natural course.
-Babies who are electronically monitored are 3 times more likely to be delivered by caeserean section.
-EFM increases the electronic paraphernalia in the room.
-Staff are tempted and more likely to concentrate on the machine rather then the woman in labor.
-EFM restricts movement, thus slowing down the labor and making FETAL DISTRESS more likely.
-Attaching the internal electrode bruises and hurts the babies head.

What more is there to say...Women need to research and realise that yes, in emergency situations caesareans can and do save lives. There are however HUGE risks with such a serious and major operation including maternal and foetal morbidity and mortality, hysterectomy, cutting other organs and damaging them, cutting the baby with the scalpel, having dates mixed up and having a premmature baby, severe infection, severe bleeding, futrue complications for futher pregnancies....the list goes on!!

I would personally deliever naturally a baby with a shoulder dystocia or a baby who's has a moment of foetal distress that has been handled, then have my body cut and torn open and my baby ripped from it then taken away from me. The risks of those 2 things happening and being dealt with naturally are nothing compared to the risks of a caesarean. A baby who has previously had moments os foetal distress or something else happen is going to be safer taking the journey down the birth canal and into the world through my VAGINA rather then ripped and pulled and forced from my body! Whos to say that that moment of distress wasnt because you as an interfering and controlling nurse stressed me out first which into replayed through my babys heart. Or whats to say that the same moment of distress wasnt distress at all, you as a nurse misread what the machine was telling you and it was simply my babys heart taking the natural decelarations and increases that happen when my uterus contracts?!!

I could honestly post all day and night about all of this but the fact remains the same, we should never go into a pregnancy and labor without having done our own research and realising the risks of caesarean birth verse natural birth and the things that go wrong inbetween. Realising that something like foetal distress and shoulder dystocia and soo many (most) other problems that occur during labor can and ARE fixed naturally and by such simple means as rolling on to your side, breathing differently, getting into another position even TELLING THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE YOU ALONE SO YOU CAN FOCUS ON BIRTHING YOUR BABY YOUR WAY!!!

Why would you risk an unnesecary major surgery when you could just roll over or stand up.

Thursday 12 January 2012

My BIRTH RAPES

Here it goes. Prepare yourself with a cup of tea, tissues and a comfy chair.

So with my first pregnancy everything was perfect. I was healthy and so was bubs. I went 12 days overdue. On Christmas morning 2007 I finally got the call I had been waiting for to head from where I was living to Waikato hospital for "assesment" for induction. I had been in labor on and off for 3 days but nothing major. It was aprox 10.30am when I got to the hospital and was put in a room with monitors on my belly to assess what baby was doing, I was having back pain at the time. I was left alone but told to buzz the bell if anything was wrong. About 15mins later the monitor started going nuts and the baby’s heartbeat went up and down then stopped then started again, I didn’t know what to do so I buzzed the nurses 3 times and next minute about 10 nurses and 6 or 7 doctors came racing in, some yelling prep for cser others turning me over freaking out etc. One nurse turned me on my side and that got baby’s heartbeat regular again. The prepping for the cser stopped. I was now told my midwife was on the way. At this point a doctor came in and asked to check my cervix, she did and found I was 6 and a half cm's dilated. Then she pushed (inside me) really hard, I screamed out in pain and then felt lots of wetness. She had deliberately broken my waters, without saying anything to me or getting my permission. All she said was, “Opps, I just broke your waters.”
I was then sent to a delivery room, put straight on a bed and strapped down with tons of different monitors. I wasn’t told what was going on, I wasn’t allowed off to pee or walk around. I had 100's of different people coming and going. By this point, as my waters had gone I started getting full on contractions and was in full labor. I kept getting told my midwife was on the way but she still hadn’t turned up. I was not allowed off the bed or off the monitors. I remember 2 separate occasions where I had got myself off the bed and was crouching on the floor holding the side of the bed. When the nurses found me they threatened to get security to watch me so I wouldn’t get off the bed again.
At about 1pm, 2 and a half hours after entering the hospital, I started saying I needed to push. The nurses and doctors kept telling me not to and there was no way I’d be dilated enough. They asked if I wanted pain relief, I said no I wanted to push. At 1.03pm they gave me pethidine, against my will and permission, they just jabbed me with it.
Within a minute the monitors stopped, baby’s heart went into shock from the pethidine, they did an internal and found baby was almost crowning. But as no one had checked me before giving me the pethidine no one knew. I was rushed naked down the corridor, lots of people; families etc saw me, straight into the operating theatre. I was fighting them saying no I was pushing and I didn’t consent to a cser. 1 male doctor grabbed my arm and forced it down whilst another nurse pulled my head back. Others held my legs down. I bit the male doctor so hard I drew blood from his arm. Next minute as I was pushing a woman forced the mask on my face whilst another woman held my head down and still and put me under. Baby was out a few minutes later, he was screaming. Completely healthy and normal with a perfect apgar score of 10.

I had a bad reaction to the anethestic and didn’t wake up properly, by the time I did wake up my baby was 2 hours old. I don’t remember anything from the next 24-48 hours.
On day 3 the nurses almost over dosed me on morphine and I just about died. I contracted a terrible, life threatening infection in my wound and spent the next 6 weeks battling that. It would come and go. I was on about 4 different antibiotics, some at the same time. As well as massive medications for pain. I lost so much weight and got down to 45kgs (99lb). When my milk came in I couldn’t stand as I was too skinny to hold my own weight. In those 6 weeks I had a futher 2 surgeries. I remember 1 day I had a friend visiting and asked him to watch the baby while I went to the toilet. I hardly made it a metre when my wound popped open and blood went everywhere. I thought it was normal vaginal bleeding so rushed to the loo. Sat down and next minute I realised what had happened. Lots of nurses came to check me. I was in excruciating pain the whole 6 weeks and up to about 18 months after I had baby I was still on medication for pain because of the cser.
About 3 months after I had Lachlan I started to have flashbacks of the birth and surgery etc, I had terrible night terrors of the actual surgery and being held down etc.
About a year after I had my son, my husband realised that something with me “wasn’t right”. I went to the doctors and was diagnosed with severe post natal depression and was put on medication for that. I was also to see a counsellor. It started to help and I thought I was on the mend but was still on medication.
We decided to try to get pregnant a second time because of health issues with him I can’t really go into...

6 months after starting trying to, we got pregnant with our 2nd baby. When I was 8 weeks I went for my 1st scan. That was when they discovered I was pregnant with twins but 1 was ectopic and I was rushed to hospital for surgery to remove her.

My pregnancy this time around was quite hard but I knew that I would have a VBAC, there was no other way. I was a woman and women were designed and made to give birth.

At 34 weeks I went into labor, having back pain and small contractions. I was admitted to hospital and pretty much neglected. No one came to check on me, if I wanted anything I had to buzz the nurses and wait for them. Numerous times I was taken to the delivery ward and checked but my cervix was clamped shut. There was no talk of anything by this point.

At 35 weeks my waters broke but still my cervix was shut. I was then given what they called were the options of being induced and carrying on naturally or being given an “elective” cser. I immediately chose to be induced. They then proceeded to; I call bully, me into having a cser. They told me it was far too risky to go natural. I would put my baby at risk of brain damage and/or dying and if anything happened it would be all my fault. I now know this was all just scare tactics.

I was then given an “elective” cser the next day. I had an epidural and laid out completely naked on the bench. They put the drape up so I couldn’t see. You can’t feel the pain of anything but you can feel everything. I felt the pressure of the scalpel and the instruments pulling the incision open. I felt their hands inside me. I guess it’s like you’re a handbag and the doctors are inside it trying to find something. Then the most terrible part was when they started to push out the baby. The pain was so bad. The fully grown male doctor was pushing on my chest so hard I couldn’t breathe. I had huge bruises on my ribs afterwards that lasted 3-4weeks.



They took the baby and checked her over etc. Then my husband came and sat next to me holding her. She was a bit blue and not moving. She was grunting though and I kept telling everyone something was wrong. No one was listening to me. I kept telling hubby she wasn’t breathing properly and the nurses and doctors. As they were stitching me up it was really bad and I started to cry. I could feel every pull of the thread and every movement of the needle. It made me want to throw up. The feeling was disgusting. Then the epidural started to wear off in my feet and I was so scared it would wear off before they finished the op. I was wheeled into recovery where they unwrapped baby and put her on me. She stopped breathing completely and they rushed her off to the neonatal unit. Hubby went with her and I was left alone and crying. By now the epidural had fully worn off and the pain was unbelievable. They give you morphine but it doesn’t take away half of the pain. It hurt so bad I can’t even describe. I was left with 1 nurse who was trying to look after me and find out what was happening with my baby. It was all a big stuff up. I was left in recovery for 2 hours; you should be back on the ward and in a room within 30mins. The nurse that came and got me was an absolute monster and to this day I hate her. She wheeled me up with an orderly (I still didn’t know what was going on with baby). I got to my room and she left me. She didn’t tell me what was going on. I was bawling my eyes out from pain and being left. She didn’t come back for ages, by this point I was almost passing out from the pain. Hubby got to me and rang the nurses, I got morphine and then the monster came back and I went off at her. She yelled at me then left and hubby went after her. When your baby’s taken to the neonatal unit you’re supposed to be taken straight there to see him/her. I was refused to be taken down. Then when they did finally take me I was left unattended. I was pretty much neglected except for this one student nurse who helped me start to express for baby and she helped me with pain relief etc. The next day the nurses stuffed up my pain relief and I was left once again in agony. I was told I could have morphine every 4-6 hours but I was supposed to be getting it every hour; you can imagine the pain I was in. And the only reason I managed to get showered and see my baby was because of my husband.


In both cases the only reason I was able to start breastfeeding and actually see and look after my baby at all was because of my determination both times. The nurses were not compassionate or helpful at all. One night I was in a lot of pain and very upset at having another cser and I asked a nurse to sit with me and hold my hand a minute. This was about 1am. I was told that that wasn’t her job, it was my fault I can’t have babies and had to have a cser and she would ring my husband.
I am left broken, torn, scarred and disturbed. Nothing I say can ever put to anyone how I feel or how broken I am inside.  I am told i should be happy, in one case my baby is healthy, in another my baby may not be healthy but she is alive. WHAT ABOUT ME!

When I give birth to my 3rd child it will be naturally.

Hello world, this is ME!

Hello world, welcome to my blog. This is new and exciting for me...a bit like the tiny life thats growing inside me! This blog is about me needing to share and sometimes vent but honestly, the most important part of this blog is to share with the world the natural beauty and joy of...wait im gunna say it VAGINAL BIRTH!

Im Larissa, 22, living in little old New Zealand with my amazing husband..lets call him DH (darling husband). And of course my 2 gremlin angels Lachlan whos 4 and Rose 20 months.

My first child, Lachlan was born December 25th 2007 via crash cser at Waikato hospital in Hamilton. My second, Rose also by cser on May 18th 2010 at Middlemore in Manukau. More on this later......

From the time i became pregnant with my first at age 17 i believed natural VAGINAL birth was the way people gave birth to babys. Infact i dont even think i knew of anyone who had had a cser. Birth to me was not a medical problem but definatley something that belonged in a hospital and involved doctors, nurses and yip even interventions. As my pregnancy progressed i brought every second hand book i could find and watched beautiful, calm birth videos. I saw my midwife regulary and at every chat i would ask about things that could/may go wrong and the answers i got were dont worry aout that, that wont happen and lets deal with it if it happens. At 17 how could i question anyone whos studied and knows all this stuff. Im a good girl and its not my place to question what these health professionals tell me or say to me....


Guess what, i now know that YOU HAVE TO question and demand answers to what you dont know and what you arent sure about. It doesnt matter who your talking to or what about!

My 2nd pregnancy was much the same. This time i went to antenatal (birthing classes) classes and they were hopeless. We were the only couple who werent finding out what we were having and aside from a 40yr old couple who didnt want or plan for kids, we were the only couple who werent 15 with half a brain. (Not knocking all 15yr old mummys though, some of you are AMAZING!) And hello ended up with another cser. I loved how this time though they labelled it as an "elective emergency cser" ...(Note the ultimate sarcasm!!)


This time around....Ive birthed 2 babies...Ive been through PND (PPD) and PTSD...Ive seen the wrong and horrifying situations laboring women are put in, the things that are done to them without consent, the lies told by people in positions of trust and power...Ive been a BIRTH RAPE SURVIVOR too long and now im thinking of me! F**K what that doctor down the road tells me and what that chick who had a perfect VAGINAL birth thinks. Infact the only person that truely matters here is me. And what i say goes.

I am a woman. I was made to concieve babies, grow them in MY body and give them life by birthing them from MY yip you guessed it again...MY VAGINA!!