Friday, 20 January 2012

Ive decided to put my happiness and needs first

So today is the 21st of January 2012. I am now 16weeks and 5days pregnant and as of 10am on Thursday i am honestly the happiest i have been in a very long time! At 9.30 am i had my 16week midwife appointment. I was extremely nervous about seeing her as over the past few months i had come to the really big conclusion that i do not feel safe in a hospital. I do not feel safe going into labor and birthing my baby in a hospital. Where do i feel safest? At home. I feel safe at home with my belongings, with my things. I was petrified of the response id get when i mentioned having a home birth to my midwife, i was almost in tears! I decided to just ask her what she would think if i decided to have a home birth...Her response was she knew that's what i was going to ask her and she was completely 100% on board with the idea. Even now the relief i felt when she said this to me was overwhelming. I now feel so happy and free. I feel like there is nothing else in my way, no obstacles, no people, nothing. I now have support from my midwife and surprisingly my husband and i believe in myself 1million%. I AM HAVING A HOME BIRTH!!
So a few weeks before i found out i was pregnant a very good friend of mine also had just confirmed her pregnancy. Such an exciting time for both of us to be pregnant together and to share this journey. She has other children and had had a necessary cser with her first. Since then she has had 2 home births, both natural of course and this next one was to be no exception. She told me a bit about her births and VBAC's and her midwife she'd had. She definatley got me thinking. I don't think Ive ever met someone as young but intelligent and researched and amazing as this woman! She truly inspires me and i whole heartedly appreciate her and our friendship! Shes been my one main source of support throughout these past few months in regards to VBAC and now home birth.  We now have the same AMAZING midwife.
What did i know about home birth? How safe is it? What if something goes wrong? Alot of questions started in my head. From about 5 or 6 weeks pregnant i started toying with the idea of a home birth but with all the fighting i was already having to do in regards to just having a VBA2C i thought id put that on the back burner or just forget about it altogether! Not to mention hubby was completely against it. Weeks and months went by and i kept feeling myself pull back towards home birth. At the end of the day what was holding me back...?
Simple, i was scared of what other people would say and think. When it comes to birth so many people believe it is a medical thing to happen in a hospital with drugs and doctors. But what if that isn't true, what is pregnancy, labor and birth was a natural occurrence that happens every minute, all over the world and has for thousands and thousands of years?!   Oh wait....It is. It is natural..Women are specifically made to conceive, carry and birth babies. If we werent wouldn't the human race have dwindled down to 0 by now?
Let me quote the name of a page on Facebook Ive recently become quite attached to... "I gave birth at home. Not brave, not crazy, just educated!". This rings so true for me. As i started my research and began trawling through tons or sites, books, web articles, facts, stats and statistics i began to realise that women who choose to give birth at home are merely taking control of their bodies and the way they want to give birth of their baby's. They aren't crazy! They aren't brave! They just believe in a higher being giving them the strength to birth their babies safely and beautifully the way nature intended.
Why should a healthy mother with a healthy baby birth her baby in a hospital? What I'm now beginning to realise is that hospitals are places sick and dying people go to get better or ultimately die. Horrible to think about but sometimes we have to. Take my first birth for example, i was 100% normal and healthy when i walked in those doors...Within 3 hours i had had horrific, unmentionable things done to me, ALL without my consent, and ALL that ultimately lead to me being strapped to a bed, given drugs that couldve killed me and my baby. Held and forced and tied down, rendered unconscious enough to cut into my then perfectly pregnant body, i had layer upon layer of skin, muscle, tissue and then uterus ripped open and my then perfectly happy and calm baby torn from a gapping, bleeding hole in my stomach. My baby then had his cord clamped and cut straight away keeping a 3rd of his blood from him, thrusting him into a state where he suddenly has to breathe even though his lungs weren't ready. As they botched and infected me with improper procedures which almost killed me and made me suffer further surgery's, unbelievable pain that had me unconscious and unable to breathe at times, my baby was given injections and poked and prodded, not hugged or talked to or loved or even held. He was wrapped and put in a bassinet, screaming and crying for 2hours while everyone waited to see if i would live or not.
Can you honestly tell me that if i had stayed at home, in bed that morning or put off heading to the hospital for a few hours that i wouldn't have had my baby safely and naturally at my house or at the maternity home where i had originally intended to give birth? If that one nurse who decided that because i was only 18, making too much noise and id only been in labor for 3hours...if she'd not given me that unconsented or asked for pethidine and just checked my cervix instead that i would be unscarred and untraumatised now. That i wouldn't be fighting to now give birth to my baby naturally and having to resort to giving birth at home.
I believe that in a hospital setting i would be constantly fighting for my right to no drugs and my right to no interventions. I will NOT be "on the clock"! All i want for this labor and birth is to let my body tell me what it needs me to do. If i want to drink, i WILL drink. If i want to walk or sit or roll over or sway and rock my hips, i WILL. When i feel like eating i WILL. When i want cuddles from my husband and 5minutes alone with him to connect and feel like we are doing this together i WILL close our bedroom door and share those moments with him. When i don't want you coming into my house because you stress me out, i WILL tell you to go. I WILL unhook my phone and i WILL have the lights off with only candles lit. I WILL play my own music and yes i WILL scream and grunt and swear when i feel the need. The only person i want touching me is the one i ask at the time. The only drugs i need are the ones my body naturally knows to create and deliver when i need them. And when the time comes that my body feels the need to push, i WILL and my baby WILL be born naturally.
I believe in my body's ability to concieve, i have proved that i can. I believe in my body's ability to grow and nourish my baby, i have proved that i can. And now i believe that i can birth my baby, Ive never had the chance to prove this...I am now taking my body into my own hands, my own happiness...I am making the right decisions for myself and I have support from everyone that matters and most importantly i BELIEVE in myself. I know i can do this!


  1. WOW, Larissa!!!! BEAUTIFUL!
    I love this post, especially the last paragraph. : ) : )
    This was another good one, filled with truths that so many women are completely unaware of. Great job, you have definitely educated yourself. You are wonderful and so intelligent.

  2. Hello, I just happened upon your blog online when looking for vbac information. I had a c section for my first, although at the moment I'm still not sure if it was necessary or not. My initial plan was a water birth, all natural, no "interventions". My beautiful daughter is 6 months old this week, and although I'm not planning on having another baby for at least a year, I am determined for the next birth to be different. Thank you for sharing your story, it's extremely motivating to see such stories online. A question I have though is how did you come to find a midwife who was supportive of a vba2c? That seems like the most nerve wrecking part of the beginning process. Any advice you have would be awesome to hear. I hope you and your family are doing wonderfully!

    -Emily J