Saturday, 5 May 2012

Im now 32 weeks...

 Hello week 32, or 8th month of pregnancy.

I havent written anything for a while. Life has been hard the last month or so and ive literally been hiding in my home in bed. I cant put my finger on one peticular thing that has got me feeling this way, life has just hit some sort of wall....or hole as i told my husband. A black hole. I feel like im uin a black hole. At the bottom and struggling to find my way out. So i can kinda pin point where it started. Let me see......

4weeks and 4days ago my sisters pregnancy was induced. She slowly went into labor, this was on the tuesday at midday. I organised things at my end, got the kiddies ready, packed my car and drove the near 7hour trip to see her and add some support. I arrived at the hospital Wednesday the 4th april at about 7pm, 1 and a half days after she was induced. My sister sounded in full labor and certainly had the pain that comes along with it to but she was still smiling and glad to see me. Just a note that this is her second baby, her first gorgeous girl passed away near to 5years previous. Her waters had just broken and she was found to be around 3-4cms dialated. So my plan was to say hello and then leave, just letting her know i was there if she needed anything etc. She asked if i wanted to stay for the birth. I felt overwhelmed but was sooo happy as i had really really wanted to be there. Within an hour or so contractions had picked up, baby had a nice strong heartbeat, mumma in alot of pain, we all made our way to a delivery room where my sister had a shower and got as comfy as she could. By now she was exhausted and i think a little gutted that after so long she was still only 3cms dialted. At this point her midwife arrived...

In New Zealand our main care provider is a midwife unless there is a medical reason for an obstetrician, even then we still go under midwife care. So although my sister delivered her baby in a hospital, she was looked after by her midwife.

Her midwife decided to get her on the bed, checked her and she was found to be 4cms. At this point my poor sister was exhausted, emotionally and physically, as any woman in labor this long would be. She decided on an epidural thinking that there would be a long night of laboring ahead of us. Within about 45mins or so everything changed, my sisters contractions were even harder and faster and she had started making different noises then before. Her midwife decided to check her again as she assumed sis was starting to involunterily push. Yip she was right, 9cms and starting to feel that urge to push. We were all amazed and soo happy for her!! Not long now. We all got into "baby apperance" mood. Now i have never physically been at a birth before. Ive watched countless videos online and read countless books and stories about it all but nothing could have prepared me for auctually seeing a real birth.

My sister did amazing, the way she worked with her body, the way she pushed when she needed to. She was in the zone absolutley and completley. Within 15minutes her babys head and body emerged and she was holding her beautiful baby girl. There were a few hectic moments with a cord and some bleeding but all was handled and everything went smoothly. I am soo proud of my sister and cannot express the way i feel getting to see her baby girl brought into this world. Naturally and with no pain relief. Sis, thank you from the bottom of my heart for inviting me to be with you and your partner on this journey. I have never before seen anything so spectacular and so miraculous!!

So i have a little niece now and i cant stop buying and making her presents of all sorts! I feel such a connection with her that i realise i never had or have with my own children. I was never present at my childrens births. Sure they came from my womb, my body but i never saw them born, never got to touch them, never heard their cries, never even got to say hello to them. They never smelt me, never got to feel my touch or hear my heart beating or hear my voice. And when these moments finally happened with my first born i was soo drugged out i cant remember any of it for near 6weeks. With my second although i held her within an hour of birth, it was for 30seconds before they rushed her off and for the next near 36hours i auctually couldnt touch her because of all the tubes and needles and nurses hovering over me. Even as i write this it hurts soo much. Im in tears. With my niece i saw and touched her within minutes of being born. I had never untill that moment seen a newborn baby. And it cuts me to the core.

So now im 7hours away from my home, away from my husband. Ive just watched this amazingly miraculous event yet i feel empty. Im hurting and i have noone i can talk to or share this with. I then spend a futher 5days away helping my sister learn to breastfeed (although shes super woman and didnt need much help!), and getting to bond and know my niece. I also spent this time going out, visiting friends i hadnt seen in so long. Having support from siblings, my mum and of course she babysat for me so i got to go out and be by myself and i got to feel some of the freedom i would have as a normal 22year old without children or a husband. Dont get me wrong i love my husband and adore our children. But its hard. Life can be hard.

Leaving on the tuesday i am torn. I want my home and my husband but im crying as i drive. Infact as my children sleep in the backseat i find myself having to pull over and just bawl. For what i dont exactly know. I just cry and cry. I get home and hubby surprises me by having taken the day off work so hes there when we arrive. I smile when i see him and we hug but the next few days are soo hard. He keeps asking me whats wrong, keeps asking if im ok. Then things blow up, im not myself, im acting distant and things are strained. I dont know why, i cant pin point things. Im just not happy. I then come down with a cold which after 3 or 4 days escalates into full blown influenza. Im in bed for 2weeks, just start to feel better then i get a toothache. Thinking its just my wisdom tooth i head to the dentist, get it checked and get put on antibiotics, codiene and panadol for the pain and a suspected abcess under my wisdom tooth. By that afternoon my pain is soo bad, hubbys getting worried and i cant handle it. We get an appointment at my GP and he gives me pethidine for the pain. A drug i swore i would NEVER take again after it stopped my sons heartbeat whilst i was in labor with him which caused my first ceserean! I was in pain and was desperate! I had the pethidine and boy did that hurt but within 15mins my pain had gone and i was near asleep on the chairs in the waiting room. We head home and within an hour the pains back and im in agony. I sat in bed watching movies to try and keep my mind off it but by 9.30pm im in tears, near fainting and hubby decides i need help. He takes me to the emergency department at the hospital and within the next 4hours im given 2 dental blocks, both fail miserably and then a great big shot of morphiene at 2am. So the morphiene did not much, only made me sleepy and by this point i was physically exhausted! We head home and i spend the next 5days in agony, taking numerous antibiotics and pain reliefs, seeing numerous dentists and freaking out about what all of this was doiing to my unborn baby. I finally had my wisdom tooth removed which has since cesed all pain. Thank God! Im not even daring to start on that though as i am truly and 100% traumatised. (The dental blocks and local anethestics didnt work and i felt all pain from the tooth being pulled, yip i screamed the place down).

 The bruise on my leg 7days after i was administered the morphiene. OUCH!!

So now i find myself at 32weeks and 3days pregnant. Im questioning my reasons for homebirth, im doubting myself and my body. I am finding it hard to be ME! What do i do and where do i go from now?! I dont feel depressed i just feel a bit lost and overwhelmed. Its now now ages till my babys due, just 8ish weeks. Maybe only 3 if it happens like last time. I have been so healthy and enjoyed this pregnancy soo much but these last 3-4weeks have almost gutted me. Before then i was aoo super healthy and felt as though i could run a marathon. i could walk and excercise for hours and i would feel amazing! I had no aches, no pains and my mental and emotional wellbeing was at the top of its game. Now i feel like this...CRAP!! In every way possible. I now cannot walk, i waddle. I have constant back pressure and pain, im not sleeping. Im worried all the time and im questioning my decisions and desires. Im just lost...HELP!!

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