Friday, 9 March 2012

Putting all my trust in my body, where im at

So the last few weeks have been crazy! Lots going on. My husband and I celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary on Febuary 26. We went to New Plymouth, where we got married and spent a few days there whilst my mumma looked after the kids. They loved it! Im amazed there wasnt any tears or asking for me as it was their first time ever away from me. Thats about all thats worth reporting...
A little thing within the family has 'popped' up and is causing turmoil in my life. Im beginning to feel depressed. I feel miserable and cant stop crying. When i found out i was pregnant about 20weeks ago i decided that i was not going to put myself through what i went through last time, i was going to cut the people out of my life that dont make me feel good. To think positively, to trust my body and to not treat my being pregnant as an illness. Id like to think that thus far i have lived up to those things i told myself all that time ago. However, certain things truly get to me. What people say and do and the way they act towards me truly can hurt and does cut deeper in me then most other people. I get told not to listen or not to let it get to me...sometimes it just does. For the last year theres been a person in my life who has constantly been rude, nasty and just a classic bitch but because of who she is i havent said anything. Well a few days ago things came to a head............................
Now all i can do is cry. Everything is getting to me. Everything is making me feel bad. I cant smile. Im taking it out on my husband. Im feeling my depression take hold. Im truly trying soo hard to stay on top of it and to try and not let it bother me. Im closing my eyes and getting within my soul and chanting my positive chants into myself. Yet still i feel it taking ahold. Im scared. Ive done soo amazing these last 20 weeks to stay on top, to be positive and now because of this one thing im left feeling helpless. Like im drowning in a sea of bullshit.
So what to do from here, where to go.

First of all, tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning.
To remember that the way 1 person treats me does not dictate the way i should be treated and that the people that truly matter to me will fall asleep next to me, 2 of them in my arms, 1 in my belly and 1 with his arms around me and i will wake up to the beautiful sounds of my children deciding who can kiss me first. These 4 people are who matter to me most and they love me whole heartedly (even when my eldest tells me hes not my friend).
To remember that my sole purpose in life is to be the best possible wife and mother i can. And to make this journey to vaginal birth as safe and as natural as possible. To do this i MUST remember the following things.
To stay positive.
To keep allowing myself to learn about my body and to trust in its ability to carry and deliver my baby safetly into my arms.
To not allow outsiders to control the way i think and feel.
To nuture not only this beautiful baby growing inside me but to also treat my body like a temple.

So where im at...
Im feeling positive towards my natural birth and safetly having my child in my arms when the time is right. I need time to process what is happening with this person and i need to be given that time without being pressured to make it right. I need extra love and support and to be given a hug when im feeling down. I need to be treated with respect and given the consideration that should be given to a young women with 2 toddlers who is also 6months pregnant.

Im sure i could probably go on for hours and hours and blurt everything, all the hurt i am feeling out but i wont. Ill spare all of you that. Let me find a quote that i need to help me sleep....

You cannot always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside.
-Wayne Dyer

1 comment:

  1. Excellent post. You sure do have a way with words!! I love your positivity and your attitude. You are so lovely, I don't understand how anyone can be ugly to you... You are a great mom, lovely wife and beautiful human being.
    I hope you get everything you wish for and more!!!