WOW, time is flying!! How did i get from peeing on that stick 31weeks ago and now here counting down days untill my EDD! Ive got the carseat, the moses basket, tiny socks and suits and nappies, wipes, creams, washes, blankets, maternity bras. And now we're on the home stretch.
Up untill a few days ago i was still feeling good body wise. But this pregnancy has now hit me. Ogre-ish swollen feet, ankles and lower legs, sore lower back and neck and everywhere else. Braxton hicks, very uncomfortable! And yesterday, May 29th i has a lovley 'show' of some mucus plug. All encouraging signs and all good signs that my body is starting to get ready to do this all naturally. Exactly what we want, exactly where we want to be...
So let me ask you this.....Why do i feel soo numb?!
My mind is numb, my brain wont work. Im starting to shut down. My poor husband cops my attitudes or lack there of one. I smile, i talk to people and im very good at pretending everything is great and how excited i am etc. But behind the scenes, im not ok. I dont feel like it is my depression creeping up on me..im not exactly sure what though.
Im scared! Im absolutley and truly, honestly petrified. Of what, not becoming a mummy again, not of something going wrong but im scared of my body being cut open and my baby being ripped out of me. Im scared of even the thought of another ceserean. The thought of it literally paralyses me.
Dont get me wrong, I BELIEVE I CAN BIRTH NATURALLY. I truly do but i feel like a criminal. I feel like i am almost running from the law. I feel supported by only a few people and i feel soo judged by everyone else. Like i am tempting fate. I know the facts, i know the statistics. I know what can go wrong and what happens then. Im happy and at peace with my choices, my decisions as i know that i have the best possible midwifery care and i have informed myself and decided to do what i believe is the best thing for myself and my baby. But what if thats not enough, its beginning not to be. I am critisised and ridiculed constantly, even by people that are close to me. I have tried soo hard to stay strong and positive but this fear people are instilling in me, even though i know the truth is getting to be too much. Its like when your at school and people tell you your ugly, just to be mean. You know your not a beauty queen but you believe your pretty...when people are teasing you and calling you ugly etc every day they soon wear you down. Its the same with me.
So where do i go from here...I honestly dont know!
A few nights ago i wrote out, decorated and stuck positive birthing quotes all around my house. They're nice to read and to look at but so far not helping. Ive ordered a book on empowering women etc etc, have yet to start reading that but will do within the next few days. I feel almost like im floating through life. And then theres the added pressure of being "due" in a few weeks and having to hurry up and get this attitude thing sorted before everything kicks off. ARGH!!! Why did this have to happen now! Please positive mojo, come back to me! If ive ever needed you before, its now.
I wish I could sit down with you and have a heart to heart. A chat with another woman who has gone through what you are. Just to reassure you and let you know you are ok and everything is going to be ok. Whether you end up birthing at home or birthing at a hospital, you do whatever you feel is the right choice. Listen to your body, listen to your baby. The Universe does not make mistakes- your first 2 births happened for a reason. Maybe it was to make you stronger, so that this time around you would know better and do better. Just remember- those that tell you "You can't" just push you harder and make you want to show them "I CAN" even more. Prove the haters wrong. Show them you WERE right. You are woman, you were meant to birth. Naturally. That's just how it is. It is the NORM for women to give birth to their babies on their own, with NO medical interventions. There are emergencies in life just as there are in labor- but remember from what you've learned- a VERY SMALL percentage of births are emergencies. The MAJORITY are not and just the Dr wanting to do a "fun", exciting surgery or get home for dinner. If you are healthy, baby is healthy, there is no emergency. You are getting near the time of going into labor, it is close. You are having doubts, of course. And you will until the moment you are yelling out like an animal in the wild and pushing a human being out of your vagina. You will be second guessing yourself and your abilities up until he/she is nursing at your breast and you look up at D and say "I FUCKIN DID IT!!!!" .... And you will then know what it has been about. Proud. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
ReplyDeleteLOVE to you and yours... XOXO
Hey, I've never been in a situation where I needed or was hoping for a vbac, but I think you can do this.
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