Today i am almost 39weeks pregnant.
Im sore. Im big. Im heavy. Even my maternity clothes arent fitting. My back hurts. I feel like my vaginas going to explode. Hubbys working nonstop for the next few days so im home alone with the 2 toddlers, hard work! And to top it off im upset that my fingers and hands are swollen and my wedding rings wont fit any more!! Yip im complaining...my perogitive!
Last night hubby and I decided to have lots of sex to try and help everything along. All its achieved is uncomfortableness, back ache, sore boobs and yip an arguement! Cool, not!
So today im having a stink day. I hadnt felt bubby move all night and all morning so rung my midwife an hour or so ago and im supposed to go in for monitoring shortly but murphys law...bubbys been moving ALOT since then! Thanks littleone...freaking me out for nothing.
Im getting to the stage where im starting to get paranoid and worried about my baby passing away in utero, not knowing and giving birth to a stillborn baby. Im sure most if not all women get to this stage. Its scary because we cant see in our bellies to see what going on whereas if we were holding our newborns we can watch their little chests rising and falling as they breathe.
I havent spoken much latley about auctual VBAC's. The reason for this is im honestly not even thinking about it! The fact that ive never given birth before and im 'scarred' hasnt factored into anything for me for a good few weeks now!! I feel like a normal nervous and anxious mum waiting to feel those surges and to give birth. Simple as! Im NOT scared or worried that something will go wrong. Im not freaking out. I truly believe that i will just go into labor and then give birth. Normal, uneventful and natural.
This whole uterine "rupture" thing doesnt even cross my mind.
Let me say however, i am not naieve. I know the risks, i have stated them numerously! I have researched and thought about everything that could go wrong and what would happen if something did go wrong. My husband and I, along with our midwife have made seperate birth plans for this very reason. Lets face it, i know what can happen if something goes wrong...ive been there twice!! I cant say that i will ever be ready to handle and cope 100% if i happened to need a ceserean, no matter what the reason. If something goes wrong i will need one, i know that! Infact i wouldnt cope, at all. But i would get through it, i would live and i would know that we as a birthing team did everything we could for a natural and normal birth but somethings things are out of our hands.
So as i sit here, 23rd of June 2012 at 12.47pm, i am okay with how things are. I have the normal worries any mum at this stage of pregnancy would have. I have been into the risks and i know them inside out. I am sore and very ready for my baby. I am ready to start and have started some natural things to help induce labor. I also realise im not quite at my due date yet and could have another few weeks before i get to meet this tiny baby living inside me.
I am very ready to meet my baby and i do tell him/her that every day. Everyone and everything is set to go...we are now just waiting on you, my precious miracle!!
One last note today...
My vision, my body has already started dialating and everything will be in full swing within the next few days. I will ring my midwife and she will come to my home to check how things are going. Within a few hours of active labor and powerful surges my baby will be ready to meet us and start descending down and through my vagina. I will get in the bath and hubby will to, facing me. I will push as my body tells me to. Everything will slowly but surely happen...God knows i need this to happen slowly so as to heal me from my previous traumas. Tiny baby your head will emerge and your membranes will be intact. A few minutes later i push you out and into your daddys arms. Your daddy then place you on my chest and your membranes are released, you take a few moments and then take your first breath.
How simple and plain but exactly perfect <3