Where im at..Ceserean risks v VBAC

So today is the first of Febuary and my head is all over the place. Hubby is starting to have dreams i'll die during childbirth. Today he said we should up my life insurance just in case. He didnt say how i gave birth in the dream or anything else. I kind of dont blame him, i did say to him that i want no negative talk or thinking. I really think we need to surround ourselves with positive thinking and like minded people. He was acting weird, distant and i bullied it out of him.

Myself on the other hand, almost a week ago i had the most truly inspiring and amazing dream....I was kneeling on the side of my bed and my midwife was with me. I gave birth to my baby and caught her (yip it was a girl) and brought her to my chest myself. The midwife wasnt freaking, it was light and there was no noise. It was so calm and peaceful and serene. It was soo real, the blood and vernix, the pain...yip i felt everything. It was soo magical and has given me a new light on everything.

So im not naieve or being stupid. I realise that there are definate risks with every decision we make. There are also risks with giving birth naturally aswell as having a ceserean, wether its elective or an emergency. So here is a little of my history...

-I have laboured to the point of pushing, being fully dialated.
-I have carried 2 babies within me, both completley healthy and normal and never in distress until given reason to.
-I have successfully breastfed both of my children until they weaned themselves, 11months and 15months.
-I have had 2 cesereans, both unnessecarily and neither an emergency until unconsented for drugs were administered to me.

Now lets find some stats on the risks of ceserean... (www.vbacfacts.com)

Potential Harms to the Mother
Compared with vaginal birth, women who have a cesarean are more likely to experience:
• Accidental surgical cuts to internal organs.
• Major infection.
• Emergency hysterectomy.
• Complications from anesthesia.
• Deep venous clots that can travel to the lungs and brain.
• Admission to intensive care.
• Readmission to the hospital for complications related to the surgery.
• Pain that may last six months or longer after the delivery. More women report problems with pain from the cesarean incision than report pain in the genital area after vaginal birth.
• Adhesions, thick internal scar tissue that may cause future chronic pain, in rare cases a twisted bowel, and can complicate future abdominal or pelvic surgeries.
• Endometriosis causing pain, bleeding, or both severe enough to require major surgery to remove the abnormal cells.
• Negative psychological consequences with unplanned cesarean. These include:
o Poor birth experience, overall impaired mental health, and/or self-esteem.
o Feelings of being overwhelmed, frightened, or helpless during the birth.
o A sense of loss, grief, personal failure , acute trauma symptoms, posttraumatic stress, and clinical depression.
• Death.
• Women who have unplanned cesareans are more likely to have difficulties forming an attachment to their babies.
• Women who have cesareans are less likely to have their infants with them skin-to-skin after the delivery. Babies who have skin-to-skin contact interact more with their mothers, stay warmer, and cry less. When skin-to-skin, babies are more likely to be breastfed early and well, and to be breastfed for longer.
• Women are less likely to breastfeed.
Potential Harms to the Baby
Compared with vaginal birth, babies born by cesarean section are more likely to experience:
• Accidental surgical cuts, sometimes severe enough to require suturing.
• Being born late-preterm (34 to 36 weeks of pregnancy) as a result of scheduled surgery.
• Complications from prematurity, including difficulties with respiration, digestion, liver function, jaundice, dehydration, infection, feeding, and regulating blood sugar levels and body temperature. Late-preterm babies also have more immature brains, and they are more likely to have learning and behavior problems at school.
• Respiratory complications, sometimes severe enough to require admission to a special care nursery, even in infants born at early term (37 to 39 weeks of pregnancy).
• Readmission to the hospital.
• Childhood development of asthma, sensitivity to allergens, or Type 1 diabetes.
• Death in the first 28 days after birth.
Potential Harms to Future Pregnancies
With prior cesarean, women and their babies are more likely to experience serious complications during subsequent pregnancy and birth regardless of whether they plan repeat cesarean or vaginal birth. The likelihood of serious complications increases with each additional operation.
Compared with prior vaginal birth, prior cesarean puts women at increased risk of:
• Uterine scar rupture.
• Infertility, either voluntary or involuntary.
• Cesarean scar ectopic pregnancy a condition that is life-threatening to the mother and always fatal for the embryo.
• Placenta previa, placental abruption and placenta accreta, all of which increase the risk for severe hemorrhage and are potentially life-threatening complications for mother and baby.
• Emergency hysterectomy.
• Preterm birth and low birth weight.
• A baby with congenital malformation or central nervous system injury due to a poorly functioning placenta.
• Stillbirth and Miscarriage.

WOW!! Pretty big list, and thats not even all of them. (The stats that are underlined have occured and continue to effect me and my children!!)

The only other risk with a VBAC i can find that is different to a first time mum giving birth vaginally is the risk of uterine rupture. So lets review....(all of my info in this post is from the above website www.vbacfacts.com).  The risk of uterine rupture after 1 or more cesereans is 0.3-0.7%. Now think about it like this, thats not even 0%!! The risk to a mum giving birth with an unscarred uterus is 0.1%...Hmm not much less then if a scar is present. Of course these stats dont tell us what type of rupture has occured, just that one has. It is known that women can have a "ruptured" uterus where it only slightly opens and leaks a bit of fluid but the woman can continue on in her pregnancy, labor and birth and have no problems and in some cases not even know it has happened. And then of course there is the rupture, catastrophic, where it is 100% nessecary to perform an EMERGENCY ceserean as the uterus rips, the mother can bleed internally and the baby can protrud inside the womens body.

Then of course when you add unnessecary interventions common practise within hospitals and some maternity homes these can add up against you and you may end up needing an emergency ceserean. These things include epidural, pain relief/drugs, stress, pressure, fear, continious monitoring, laboring on your back, piticon and being induced.....and the list goes on!

My fears of birthing in a hospital...
So if you follow this blog you'll have read whats happened to me during my past labors. I am TERRIFIED of any of this happening again. My worst fear is not being listened to and loosing control over my body.....just like the first time! Im scared i will be strapped onto a bed, refused food and drink or to be allowed to go to the bathroom, refused moments alone, refused to walk and labor upright, being put "on the clock" if labor doesnt progress how a certain doctor thinks it should.
I have NO FEAR what so ever of something going wrong, i believe that birth is a natural thing that my body was made to do. I know i can give birth naturally...Its just that in a hospital, i dont know if i will be allowed to give birth naturally!

My fears of giving birth at home...
I have none. Im excited, im soo excited to hit over 38weeks and go into labor naturally. I cannot wait to be in my own home, my own space. I can do what ever i want with the watchful, yet not interferring eye of my midwife and husband. If something goes wrong, if something happens then just like with everything else in life we have a back up plan. When it comes to mine and my babys life im not willing to take risks and if my midwife or myself believe that something is happening that shouldnt be then we will transfer to our local hospital where we will manage the problem.

Im not brave, im not stupid.... I am a survivor of 2 unnessecary cesereans, a baby with respritory distress due to birth by ceserean, 4years of postnatal depression and 4years of posttraumatic stress disorder, having to fight the "system" to birth my babys vaginally, having to constantley take crap from people and explain myself to people who think what im doing is wrong......Plus numerous other things.

So when you ask me next time why i want a VBAC, ill answer you...

 BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT IS SAFER FOR ME AND MY BABY!

...and if you dont understand that then you need to go away and research the facts for yourself. However unless you have been in my shoes, read and re-read my birth stories and experianced some of it yourself, you will NEVER fully understand my decisions or the way i am now thinking. Sooo much of my decision is based on my emotional well being as well as how i feel about cesereans. Not everything in pregnancy and birth is medical....infact unless there is a previous reason for it to be...it isnt medical at all.