My fears, my worrys, my hopes...39weeks & 1day

39 weeks and 1 day today.
We're almost there tiny baby in my belly.
It cant be long now.

This whole pregnancy ive thought that your 'estimated due date' is a perfect sounding date...July 1st. Could you have other plans maybe? For the last hour ive been getting uncomfortable tightenings in my tummy with pains in my back. Hehe. Sounds promising although ive had this before...are you tricking me littleone?! Maybe ill clean and tidy the house a bit..however im sure daddy would do that as soon as he got home. Hes a pretty good cleaner-uppera!!
Today is the 25th, i was born on the 25th and so was Mr 4years. Maybe this littleone will be to!

So enough of my rambling.
I really wanted to share something with you all. A book that ive been reading latley.....

A modern woman's guide to a natural empowering birth by Katrina Zaslavsky.

This book is truly beautifully written and has some amazing and honestly empowering stories in it! I live in New Zealand...the author lives in Australia, i ordered and got mine within a week, pretty great service!! Im also friends with the author on Facebook (gotta love it!). I definatley recommend it to every pregnant woman!

Its about time we start sharing the amazingly boring and natural stories of childbirth and not keep spreading the fear we have for many years that has got the ceserean rate up to well over double what it should be.

A bit of an update now....At my last midwife appointment a few days ago baby was jumping and moving and grooving around superbly!! I was on the monitor for a good half an hour or so. My little toddlers did sooo good at occupying themselves plus it really helps having an amazing midwife like me!

OUCH....another uncomfortable tightening!!

She gave me an internal and found that although my cervix was thick and back it was soft so thats encouraging!! Up untill now ive forgotten that im not even at my EDD yet. People keep asking if ive had my baby yet, if im in labor yet. Well nope but ill let you know. Lol. I could still go another 2 or 3 weeks. My first was 12days over his EDD.

WOAH and another one!!! Hmmm....Maybe that bumpy car ride has dislodged something...?!?!

I wasnt going to add this but i think i might. At the start of this blog i promised full disclosure of my thoughts and my feelings in regards to this vbac journey. Id be lieing if i didnt share this with you all......Saturday arvo i lost it. I broke down and told, well yelled at my hubby to book in an elective cser. I spent the whole afternoon and night crying and crying and crying. I got scared. I had a pain on the left lower side of my scar. I began to tell myself that i had a dehiscence of my scar and i was going to start bleeding and need an emergency ceserean that night. I even packed my bags for the hospital and made hubby come home from work early.
I was scared and although i told hubby about the pain, i refused (in my head) to tell anyone else, eg my midwife, because of the thought of another cser.

Even talking about it now im crying. Im prepared to give birth to this baby but i am not prepared, emergency or not to have another cser. The thoughts of my past are too raw and real. The memories of being put under and having my body cut and torn and pulled and the feeling of hands inside me and not being able to breathe as the doctor put all his weight and effort into pushing my chest to get the baby out.

Yes, i have had 2 babies grow and live inside my body.
Yes, i have had 2 babies come from inside my body.
BUT...I have never seen my children less then a few hours old.
I have never been present at either of my childrens births.
I have never seen or smelt or held my newborn babies.
The chance to birth my own children was taken from me by disgusting medical PROFESSIONALS who did not give me a voice, who did not see me as a woman, who didnt see me as anything more then an incubator and another name on a list of things to do!

I AM MAD!
I AM ANGRY! I AM HURT AND SCARRED...Not only physically but emotionally aswell and although i will and have got through what happened to me, i will NEVER be over it!

I am trying soo hard, soo soo hard to put these fears aside but its hard. Its really hard.

So next, my hopes and wants......
I want whats rightly mine. To hold and touch my baby before anyone else. To touch my babys freshly born skin, blood, vernix, fluid and all! Let me see what my baby is before everyone else in the world knows. Dont take those precious first few moments away from me. Why is it i cannot remember my babies first few hours, days, weeks at all...All i know are photos and memories of pain and helplessness.

This time, let me hold my baby first. Let me rub her/his vernix into their skin. Let me feed her/him when he/she crys. Let me be her/his mother! See me as a person aswell as someone giving birth.

If i NEED a ceserean it will be because mine and/or my babys life depends on it. I can live with that but i will not be okay. I will never be ok with the idea that all of my children were ripped from my body. I will need time, i will need space and i will need support.

My plans are to labor at home and from there...we shall see.

38weeks & 6days...Not that im counting

Let me start first by saying thankyou! Thankyou from the bottom of my heart for all of the support and well wishers i have had contact me through this blog. One woman has called me an inspiration. I wouldnt quite go that far but to be honest, if i can help just 1 pregnant woman inspire herself to have enough faith in herself toput her emotional well being and the well being of her body and her baby and to ultimatley say yes to VBAC, then i have succeded in what i set out to do.

Today i am almost 39weeks pregnant.

Im sore. Im big. Im heavy. Even my maternity clothes arent fitting. My back hurts. I feel like my vaginas going to explode. Hubbys working nonstop for the next few days so im home alone with the 2 toddlers, hard work! And to top it off im upset that my fingers and hands are swollen and my wedding rings wont fit any more!! Yip im complaining...my perogitive!

Last night hubby and I decided to have lots of sex to try and help everything along. All its achieved is uncomfortableness, back ache, sore boobs and yip an arguement! Cool, not!
So today im having a stink day. I hadnt felt bubby move all night and all morning so rung my midwife an hour or so ago and im supposed to go in for monitoring shortly but murphys law...bubbys been moving ALOT since then! Thanks littleone...freaking me out for nothing.

Im getting to the stage where im starting to get paranoid and worried about my baby passing away in utero, not knowing and giving birth to a stillborn baby. Im sure most if not all women get to this stage. Its scary because we cant see in our bellies to see what going on whereas if we were holding our newborns we can watch their little chests rising and falling as they breathe.

I havent spoken much latley about auctual VBAC's. The reason for this is im honestly not even thinking about it! The fact that ive never given birth before and im 'scarred' hasnt factored into anything for me for a good few weeks now!! I feel like a normal nervous and anxious mum waiting to feel those surges and to give birth. Simple as! Im NOT scared or worried that something will go wrong. Im not freaking out. I truly believe that i will just go into labor and then give birth. Normal, uneventful and natural.

This whole uterine "rupture" thing doesnt even cross my mind.
Let me say however, i am not naieve. I know the risks, i have stated them numerously! I have researched and thought about everything that could go wrong and what would happen if something did go wrong. My husband and I, along with our midwife have made seperate birth plans for this very reason. Lets face it, i know what can happen if something goes wrong...ive been there twice!! I cant say that i will ever be ready to handle and cope 100% if i happened to need a ceserean, no matter what the reason. If something goes wrong i will need one, i know that! Infact i wouldnt cope, at all. But i would get through it, i would live and i would know that we as a birthing team did everything we could for a natural and normal birth but somethings things are out of our hands.

So as i sit here, 23rd of June 2012 at 12.47pm, i am okay with how things are. I have the normal worries any mum at this stage of pregnancy would have. I have been into the risks and i know them inside out. I am sore and very ready for my baby. I am ready to start and have started some natural things to help induce labor. I also realise im not quite at my due date yet and could have another few weeks before i get to meet this tiny baby living inside me.

I am very ready to meet my baby and i do tell him/her that every day. Everyone and everything is set to go...we are now just waiting on you, my precious miracle!!

One last note today...
My vision, my body has already started dialating and everything will be in full swing within the next few days. I will ring my midwife and she will come to my home to check how things are going. Within a few hours of active labor and powerful surges my baby will be ready to meet us and start descending down and through my vagina. I will get in the bath and hubby will to, facing me. I will push as my body tells me to. Everything will slowly but surely happen...God knows i need this to happen slowly so as to heal me from my previous traumas. Tiny baby your head will emerge and your membranes will be intact. A few minutes later i push you out and into your daddys arms. Your daddy then place you on my chest and your membranes are released, you take a few moments and then take your first breath.

How simple and plain but exactly perfect <3

38 weeks & counting......

Today i am 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant.
I am beginning to feel as though i will be pregnant forever! I didnt think i would start feeling this way untill at least 40 weeks. I was dreading this part, where i am beginning to hate being pregnant and longing for a baby to hold in my arms. But...thats every pregnant womens rant at this point, right?!

Where i am at with all this vaginal birth stuff...
So one of my last posts i wrote that i was getting knocked around a bit and loosing my faith and positivity regarding VBAC. I was crying and emotional and didnt really care any more.

Ive since been thinking about it all and to be honest i think that what was going on with me was the fact that like every pregnant woman the end was coming closer and i was anxious. I wasnt freaking out about my personal situation, i just had the natural thoughts any woman has when the time is near. I truly believe in my body, i know my uterus is fine, i know my body and my baby are both fine. We will work together and get this done the way nature intended. Im not scared of anything, im excited to feel those first few contractions and to feel the waves of them ride over me as i sway into them and become one with them. Im soo excited to feel my baby moving deep within me and with each contraction and each push feeling him/her slowly moving down and ready to emerge. EEK!! I cant wait! Im ready for you little baby xx

I dreamt of you last night, i was in the bath and your daddy was sitting opposite me, i push and lay back as you emerge from within me into your papas hands, he places you on my chest as i sit up and with that we see you, we feel you, we meet you and we hear your tiny cry for the first time.

This is the second most signifigant dream about your birth i have had during this pregnancy. We wanted your sex to stay a surprise and your definatley keeping it a surprise! With both dreams your 'bits' are well hidden from me. We cant wait to see what you are!!

Little miracle living inside me, we have your little bed all ready for you... (Dont worry though, youll never sleep in it, i fully intend to co-sleep with you. Daddys just a bit freaked out by that concept but hey, he came around to the whole homebirth thing.) Hehe!

Hmm so on another note....
Has anyone out there given themselves cervical exams or anything of the sort?? Just something ive been thinking about but something ive never done. I have read about cervical massage aswell as a stretch and sweep.....    What do you all think, worth it?
I want my baby to pick his or hers own birthday. I want labor to start naturally and spontaniously but within saying that i hope its really soon. Im only 38weeks but im starting to feel as though it will never happen naturally and that no midwife or doctor will induce me due to the whole VBA2C thing and im also scared if i go too far overdue that my baby will be hugely huge! My first baby was 12days overdue and weighed 9lb 12oz, my second baby was 5weeks prem and weighed 6lb 8oz. So im probly looking at another BIG baby, not that that really matters but then ill start thinking all about tearing etc.

So what im trying to say is that maybe a little cervical massage with some help from my darling hubby may not be a bad thing???!!!

Hmmm who knows!! Well midwife appointment tomorrow afternoon...ill let you know how it goes them! Send me lots of positive and beautiful labor thoughts. Hehe xx

37 weeks!!

Today i hit the 37 week mark which is a huge accomplishment for me as my last pregnancy only got to number 35! However as i say that im sitting here, tired after spending the last 2days with a grinding period type pain in my back and lower tummy. Ive been getting some wicked tummy 'tightenings' and my vagina feels...well...strange! Yesterday arvo things died down a little bit and it was enough for hubby and I to have some fun getting messy with a belly casting kit. That was the plan however i got agitated with him, he got grumpy with doing it, we made a HUGE mess everywhere and ended up in an arguement :/
Not the fun time we had planned. However we got over it all pretty fast and are both pretty stoked with the result and would definatley recommend everyone giving it a go!!

I showered, went to bed and expected to wake up midnight-ish with really strong contractions and everything to be in full swing. It didnt...feeling a tad discouraged as i slept in till 8.30am and although that lovley grinding period type pain is there aswell as the regular tightenings etc i was expecting more!

I must say though that im clearly reminded this time that the way things are progressing now are almost exactly the same as my first labor with my son. I spent 2 nights in a row unable to sleep due to period type pain, mostly in my back and lower tummy, on the second day i was at the hospital for assesment for induction (i was 12days "overdue"), and i walked in with just these pains and hello i was 6cms dialated. None of these regular increasing in length and pain contractions people talk about! It wasnt untill they "accidentally" broke my waters that i started getting anything like a contraction and even then there was not like a break between them at all, they just rolled into one.

So what am i thinking now...In the back of my mind i am positive and trying to just go with the flow, things will happen in their own time, at their own pace and this little baby will come when he or she is ready.............
However i will admit, i am beginning to feel slightly discouraged with everything. This is almost what happened with my second labor which ended in a ceserean. Im a little worried that my cervix wont be doing anything, ill be hospitilized for failure to progress, my waters will break naturally and ill be given the option of cser or waiting another day. I want to ring my midwife and have a bit of a chat about things but then i kind of feel like a dick cuse probly nothing is happening and ill keep going like this for weeks!

Who knows. If only it were an exact science...but then i guess it wouldnt be the miracle it truly is :)

Feeling numb?! 35 weeks

Week 35

WOW, time is flying!! How did i get from peeing on that stick 31weeks ago and now here counting down days untill my EDD! Ive got the carseat, the moses basket, tiny socks and suits and nappies, wipes, creams, washes, blankets, maternity bras. And now we're on the home stretch.

Up untill a few days ago i was still feeling good body wise. But this pregnancy has now hit me. Ogre-ish swollen feet, ankles and lower legs, sore lower back and neck and everywhere else. Braxton hicks, very uncomfortable! And yesterday, May 29th i has a lovley 'show' of some mucus plug. All encouraging signs and all good signs that my body is starting to get ready to do this all naturally. Exactly what we want, exactly where we want to be...

So let me ask you this.....Why do i feel soo numb?!

My mind is numb, my brain wont work. Im starting to shut down. My poor husband cops my attitudes or lack there of one. I smile, i talk to people and im very good at pretending everything is great and how excited i am etc. But behind the scenes, im not ok. I dont feel like it is my depression creeping up on me..im not exactly sure what though.

Im scared! Im absolutley and truly, honestly petrified. Of what, not becoming a mummy again, not of something going wrong but im scared of my body being cut open and my baby being ripped out of me. Im scared of even the thought of another ceserean. The thought of it literally paralyses me.

Dont get me wrong, I BELIEVE I CAN BIRTH NATURALLY. I truly do but i feel like a criminal. I feel like i am almost running from the law. I feel supported by only a few people and i feel soo judged by everyone else. Like i am tempting fate. I know the facts, i know the statistics. I know what can go wrong and what happens then. Im happy and at peace with my choices, my decisions as i know that i have the best possible midwifery care and i have informed myself and decided to do what i believe is the best thing for myself and my baby. But what if thats not enough, its beginning not to be. I am critisised and ridiculed constantly, even by people that are close to me. I have tried soo hard to stay strong and positive but this fear people are instilling in me, even though i know the truth is getting to be too much. Its like when your at school and people tell you your ugly, just to be mean. You know your not a beauty queen but you believe your pretty...when people are teasing you and calling you ugly etc every day they soon wear you down. Its the same with me.

So where do i go from here...I honestly dont know!
A few nights ago i wrote out, decorated and stuck positive birthing quotes all around my house. They're nice to read and to look at but so far not helping. Ive ordered a book on empowering women etc etc, have yet to start reading that but will do within the next few days. I feel almost like im floating through life. And then theres the added pressure of being "due" in a few weeks and having to hurry up and get this attitude thing sorted before everything kicks off. ARGH!!! Why did this have to happen now! Please positive mojo, come back to me! If ive ever needed you before, its now.

...

Now am i getting just a tad millitant towards all the shit OB's ive dealt with in my time or do you think im completly justified to feel like this, this time around?!

Im now 32 weeks...

 Hello week 32, or 8th month of pregnancy.

I havent written anything for a while. Life has been hard the last month or so and ive literally been hiding in my home in bed. I cant put my finger on one peticular thing that has got me feeling this way, life has just hit some sort of wall....or hole as i told my husband. A black hole. I feel like im uin a black hole. At the bottom and struggling to find my way out. So i can kinda pin point where it started. Let me see......

4weeks and 4days ago my sisters pregnancy was induced. She slowly went into labor, this was on the tuesday at midday. I organised things at my end, got the kiddies ready, packed my car and drove the near 7hour trip to see her and add some support. I arrived at the hospital Wednesday the 4th april at about 7pm, 1 and a half days after she was induced. My sister sounded in full labor and certainly had the pain that comes along with it to but she was still smiling and glad to see me. Just a note that this is her second baby, her first gorgeous girl passed away near to 5years previous. Her waters had just broken and she was found to be around 3-4cms dialated. So my plan was to say hello and then leave, just letting her know i was there if she needed anything etc. She asked if i wanted to stay for the birth. I felt overwhelmed but was sooo happy as i had really really wanted to be there. Within an hour or so contractions had picked up, baby had a nice strong heartbeat, mumma in alot of pain, we all made our way to a delivery room where my sister had a shower and got as comfy as she could. By now she was exhausted and i think a little gutted that after so long she was still only 3cms dialted. At this point her midwife arrived...

In New Zealand our main care provider is a midwife unless there is a medical reason for an obstetrician, even then we still go under midwife care. So although my sister delivered her baby in a hospital, she was looked after by her midwife.

Her midwife decided to get her on the bed, checked her and she was found to be 4cms. At this point my poor sister was exhausted, emotionally and physically, as any woman in labor this long would be. She decided on an epidural thinking that there would be a long night of laboring ahead of us. Within about 45mins or so everything changed, my sisters contractions were even harder and faster and she had started making different noises then before. Her midwife decided to check her again as she assumed sis was starting to involunterily push. Yip she was right, 9cms and starting to feel that urge to push. We were all amazed and soo happy for her!! Not long now. We all got into "baby apperance" mood. Now i have never physically been at a birth before. Ive watched countless videos online and read countless books and stories about it all but nothing could have prepared me for auctually seeing a real birth.

My sister did amazing, the way she worked with her body, the way she pushed when she needed to. She was in the zone absolutley and completley. Within 15minutes her babys head and body emerged and she was holding her beautiful baby girl. There were a few hectic moments with a cord and some bleeding but all was handled and everything went smoothly. I am soo proud of my sister and cannot express the way i feel getting to see her baby girl brought into this world. Naturally and with no pain relief. Sis, thank you from the bottom of my heart for inviting me to be with you and your partner on this journey. I have never before seen anything so spectacular and so miraculous!!

So i have a little niece now and i cant stop buying and making her presents of all sorts! I feel such a connection with her that i realise i never had or have with my own children. I was never present at my childrens births. Sure they came from my womb, my body but i never saw them born, never got to touch them, never heard their cries, never even got to say hello to them. They never smelt me, never got to feel my touch or hear my heart beating or hear my voice. And when these moments finally happened with my first born i was soo drugged out i cant remember any of it for near 6weeks. With my second although i held her within an hour of birth, it was for 30seconds before they rushed her off and for the next near 36hours i auctually couldnt touch her because of all the tubes and needles and nurses hovering over me. Even as i write this it hurts soo much. Im in tears. With my niece i saw and touched her within minutes of being born. I had never untill that moment seen a newborn baby. And it cuts me to the core.

So now im 7hours away from my home, away from my husband. Ive just watched this amazingly miraculous event yet i feel empty. Im hurting and i have noone i can talk to or share this with. I then spend a futher 5days away helping my sister learn to breastfeed (although shes super woman and didnt need much help!), and getting to bond and know my niece. I also spent this time going out, visiting friends i hadnt seen in so long. Having support from siblings, my mum and of course she babysat for me so i got to go out and be by myself and i got to feel some of the freedom i would have as a normal 22year old without children or a husband. Dont get me wrong i love my husband and adore our children. But its hard. Life can be hard.

Leaving on the tuesday i am torn. I want my home and my husband but im crying as i drive. Infact as my children sleep in the backseat i find myself having to pull over and just bawl. For what i dont exactly know. I just cry and cry. I get home and hubby surprises me by having taken the day off work so hes there when we arrive. I smile when i see him and we hug but the next few days are soo hard. He keeps asking me whats wrong, keeps asking if im ok. Then things blow up, im not myself, im acting distant and things are strained. I dont know why, i cant pin point things. Im just not happy. I then come down with a cold which after 3 or 4 days escalates into full blown influenza. Im in bed for 2weeks, just start to feel better then i get a toothache. Thinking its just my wisdom tooth i head to the dentist, get it checked and get put on antibiotics, codiene and panadol for the pain and a suspected abcess under my wisdom tooth. By that afternoon my pain is soo bad, hubbys getting worried and i cant handle it. We get an appointment at my GP and he gives me pethidine for the pain. A drug i swore i would NEVER take again after it stopped my sons heartbeat whilst i was in labor with him which caused my first ceserean! I was in pain and was desperate! I had the pethidine and boy did that hurt but within 15mins my pain had gone and i was near asleep on the chairs in the waiting room. We head home and within an hour the pains back and im in agony. I sat in bed watching movies to try and keep my mind off it but by 9.30pm im in tears, near fainting and hubby decides i need help. He takes me to the emergency department at the hospital and within the next 4hours im given 2 dental blocks, both fail miserably and then a great big shot of morphiene at 2am. So the morphiene did not much, only made me sleepy and by this point i was physically exhausted! We head home and i spend the next 5days in agony, taking numerous antibiotics and pain reliefs, seeing numerous dentists and freaking out about what all of this was doiing to my unborn baby. I finally had my wisdom tooth removed which has since cesed all pain. Thank God! Im not even daring to start on that though as i am truly and 100% traumatised. (The dental blocks and local anethestics didnt work and i felt all pain from the tooth being pulled, yip i screamed the place down).

 The bruise on my leg 7days after i was administered the morphiene. OUCH!!


So now i find myself at 32weeks and 3days pregnant. Im questioning my reasons for homebirth, im doubting myself and my body. I am finding it hard to be ME! What do i do and where do i go from now?! I dont feel depressed i just feel a bit lost and overwhelmed. Its now now ages till my babys due, just 8ish weeks. Maybe only 3 if it happens like last time. I have been so healthy and enjoyed this pregnancy soo much but these last 3-4weeks have almost gutted me. Before then i was aoo super healthy and felt as though i could run a marathon. i could walk and excercise for hours and i would feel amazing! I had no aches, no pains and my mental and emotional wellbeing was at the top of its game. Now i feel like this...CRAP!! In every way possible. I now cannot walk, i waddle. I have constant back pressure and pain, im not sleeping. Im worried all the time and im questioning my decisions and desires. Im just lost...HELP!!